The Black List: Ten Things that Irritate Elijah Wood

In this month’s new FX comedy series, Wilfred, actor Elijah Wood stars as an unemployed, suicidal sad-sack who converses (and a whole lot more) with the neighborhood dog. He’ll soon reenter Frodo’s world in Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, but here, with a bitch list of his top-10 irritants, Wood proves himself lord of the zing.

1. Remakes and reboots. Have we not the balls to support original material? Why must the vast majority of our unique pieces be relegated to minuscule budgets and poor exposure, while hundreds of millions of dollars are put toward rehashing used ideas? How about we even out the budgeting a bit. Remember when we chose a little-known Polish director to helm a film about the devil impregnating Mia Farrow? 2. Doing the bare minimum of one’s job description. I once had a heavy crate delivered. The delivery man set it on the sidewalk in front of my house. It being far too heavy for one person to move on his own, I asked if he would help move it to my driveway. He replied by saying that he’d done his job, then begrudgingly helped move it as if he were doing me a favor. Nope, not extra. Still your job.

3. Anti-smoking laws that now extend to outdoor spaces. Can we not let the use of free air be determined by the people using it? Should someone have a problem with roving smoke, they could simply ask the offending smoker if he or she would kindly refrain. Most spaces are smoke-free, and I accept that—particularly inside restaurants—but can smokers not have patios and general outdoor areas?

4. Truncated texting. Most of us have full keyboards on our magical mobile devices—use them. It was understandable on numbered keypads and even forgivable with the aid of T9. But now? C u l8r? No, you won’t.

5. Orcs. Ugly fuckers.

6. (Most) clubs. Crowds of people dressed in their finery, standing outside, lining up around the block yearning for acceptance—only to enter a loud space with predominantly awful music, bottle service, and neither the room to move nor the ability to utter words that can be heard without shouting. I’ve often wondered why hordes flock to these overstyled douche cantinas.

7. When people aren’t held accountable for their actions. If you fuck up, deal with it—it’s your responsibility. Somehow we’ve created a world where a person spills coffee on himself, sues the coffee company, and wins.

8. Relationship statuses on Facebook. Breaking up with someone in the real world is hard enough. There’s no need to do it digitally. That there’s some weight attached to changing your status from “in a relationship” to “single” is ridiculous.

9. My printer. It refuses to wirelessly speak to my computer. I’ve tried at various times to get the two to chat and take on basic tasks together, such as printing a document or scanning a photo. It even insists on stubbornly refusing my attempts to start a healthy USB-free dialogue between the two. Bastard.

10. Clutter. Why do you accumulate? I have utter disdain for you, yet I am to blame for your existence. A conundrum. (Oh, and: Complaining. Just shut up and deal with it. No one wants to hear it.)

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