Robert Pattinson To Earn $1.5 Million For Redundant ‘Twilight’ TV Series

“Okay, okay, so I got this amazing idea. You know what the world needs? No, I mean besides beefed up security at the White House? Vampires! On television! This is an a-mazing idea. It’s a television show. About vampires. In looo-ooove. Wait, what? There’s some show on HBO with the tits and the blood and the foreign people talking in bad Southern accents? And another one on The CW? But what if we vaguely slap the Twilight name on it? Yeah, I know, a-mazing right? I think that dude from the movies might do it, that sad-looking one who’s always hanging out with Kristen Stewart. Nah, we don’t have to get her. We’ll get Miley Cyrus. I don’t care if she hates it. She needs the work. Fuck yeah, vampires!”

And so goes the hush-hush banter at some shady Hollywood outpost, in another attempt to stretch out the Twilight franchise. The only details on the table so far: Robert Pattinson’s asking price of roughly $1.5 million per episode. Obviously David E. Kelley, noted for giving Henry Winkler a bug fetish on one of the later episodes of critically-acclaimed legal drama The Practice, emerges as a favorite to oversee the series. Producers hope to debut the series next year in order to get the most bang out of tween bucks. Which sounds rather unfortunate when phrased like that. More unfortunate-sounding is a Twilight spin-off that doesn’t feature Kristen Stewart’s lower lip. Without which, Twilight may as well be Twidark.

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