I’m pissed, y’all. It’s bad enough I have to hear about bike lanes and bike etiquette and whatever will New York do about the bikes, WON’T SOMEONE SAVE US FROM BIKES WHILE ALSO SAVING THOSE WHO CHOOSE, AS IS THEIR INALIENABLE RIGHT, TO RIDE THEM. But now I have to hear more about a doping scandal that makes even Major League Baseball look interesting.

It’s cool, though, guys. Lance confessed to everything bad he did. What did he do? Something about having better blood, it sounds like. So how is that cheating? Everyone in the Tour de France has blood, I thought. Not Lance’s fault if you couldn’t afford premium blood, people. That’s just the way the spokes turn.

And, like some college freshman who has to make a statement before the honor committee because he plagiarized a Slate.com article, Lance was sure to look up the term ‘cheat’ in the dictionary for a loophole. In his interview with Oprah, he tells the world what he found there: “the definition was to gain an advantage on a rival. I didn’t view it that way. I viewed it as a level playing field.” Okay? Case closed. Learn how to read, everyone else."
 

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