How We Take Advantage of Closeted Actors

The New York Observer has a great piece today about the tricky nature of outing celebrities. While most people (those who work in the media, at least) assume that it’s a known fact that Anderson Cooper is gay, the article shows that there are still some people who haven’t figured it out! And should we be reporting on that sort of thing? Is it a story? As Lance Bass, former boyband member and currently out homo, commented, "If you’re in the closet you get made fun of more than if you just come out!” It’s true that revealing the secret lives of famous people is not just enjoyable—it’s also a great way to get the attention of those who care about the personal lives of celebrities. But what’s the real takeaway from all of this? Wouldn’t it be kinda fun to date a closeted celebrity?

Let’s take a look at the opening paragraph of the Observer piece:

At a crowded movie premiere in Midtown recently, The Observer witnessed a young movie and TV star—a dashing young man who’s been involved with several starlets despite whispers about his close relationships with other men—sitting for the entire party in close conversation with a well-groomed gent, even as his co-stars circulated. As we passed, the plus-one stared us down, as if to say, “Step off,” or perhaps, “Don’t you dare write about this.”

I want to be that well-groomed plus-one!

I once described myself (years ago, mind you, during my silly, post-graduate, slow gravitation toward eventual maturity) as “a starfucker who doesn’t know any stars.” At this point, famous people don’t really excite me. You see them all of the time in New York. They’re just like us! But there’s something about the furtive nature of dating someone who has to keep his entire romantic life secret. Wouldn’t it be fun to be the guy that everyone knows is sleeping with the TV star, but whose status isn’t recognized out of a polite nature for said TV star’s privacy?

Sure, there’s the downside of never being recognized as someone’s significant other, and that seems like it’d be quite the strain on a relationship. But, let’s face it: actors are probably the worst at relationships anyway, so you’re already holding your delicate feelings to a burning flame. Why not go balls-out? At least you have a great story when your ex shows up on the cover of People above the headline, “Yep, I’m gay!” “No shit,” you can mutter to the magazine stand at the grocery check-out line as you clutch your diet soda and pint of ice cream. 

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