Hannah Montana’s Cherry Bag Ripe For Snacking
Disney’s mascot is, subjectively, a cheery, well-to-do mouse with quirky friends. On closer examination, Mickey Mouse is a closeted, passive-aggressive rodent who symbolizes Western Capitalist Aggression. Disney sells their brand as one whose residual effects hover somewhere between family values and wholesome living, an existence where things like sex and words like “fuck” don’t exist; one where the only smoke they know is created by fireplaces and steamboats, and the only drinks drank are magical potions and maybe sometimes juice! And soda! Too bad their little girl/moneymaker, Hannah Montana – aka, Miley Cyrus – is all growds up, especially after that Vanity Fair spread in which even her parents basically allowed the implication that Miley has needs too, damnit. Well, looks like Disney finally got hip to the game, as they’re now just straight up selling her, uh, cherry en masse to America.
Okay, so, ha ha, “cherry” is a sexual euphemism for “virginity”—or if you’re Warrant, just straight-up “vagina”—and chances are better than not that this picture is photoshopped. That said, there is some truth to this image: Disney actually does have a “Disney Garden” line of products that they created after promising the FTC they’re going to stop making American rugrats so goddamn fat by exclusively selling them High Fructose Corn Syrup Jonas Brothers Juice Boxes.
If this image isn’t photoshopped, someone’s getting fired. But assuming it is—and it probably is, because you know someone at the Disney Garden crew suggested this at that first meeting, only to have it immediately shot down by at least one sensible person in the room—it’s worth noting that this image flew around the internet with light speed. What does it tell Disney that (A) the image caught fire and (B) someone even created the image in the first place? If they look beyond the fact that the internet is just a place for cheap, pervy laughs, they’ll probably scrape the surface at a truth they try their hardest to regularly ignore: consumers aren’t stupid. Cyrus is growing up, and they can’t keep pimping her out as a patron saint of virginity and expect the protectors of their target conspicuous consumers—kids—to buy it. Maybe if Disney had somehow dealt with this in a way that didn’t involve throwing a metaphorical burka over Cyrus’ sexuality, they could’ve avoided what might be one of the Internet’s Best Images, 2009.