‘American Horror Story’: No More Mommie Dearest Jokes

The gang’s all here (again)! Now that the second season of American Horror Story is pushing toward its grand finale, we’re seeing a lot of nods towards last season. Like now, we know Bloody Face has a son–not a daughter, like I previously assumed, my bad! And guess who it is? That’s right, last year’s wooden protagonist, Derbil McDillet!

Hi, Derbil! The show opens with Derbil talking to a therapist specializing in compulsions, and he reveals that the habit that he can’t quit involves skinning people alive. Guess who the therapist is? GUESS!

DING DONG, PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET, BROOKE SMITH!

brooke smith ahs

Very clever, wink-wink. Easter egg for the super fans!

Meanwhile, back in the past, a lot of stuff is happening. Lana is pregnant with Dr. Thredson’s baby, which she finds out through THE DEVIL, who won’t let her abort it. Then she tries to Mommy Dearest it out of her vagina and that seems to do the trick (oh, the ’60s, when even lesbians knew how to perform back-alley abortions), until Sister Mary Eunice performs some devil magic to reimpregnate her and is all "Also, it’s a boy." So we’re also back to last season’s anti-christ pregnancy plot? Once again, AHS is unable to tell the difference between an homage and just clumsily stealing the imagery from a superior piece of work. Even though in this case, it’s trying to just cop its own last season.

We finally got to see Sister Jude strapped down into a bed at Briarcliffe with that metal cage on her head, just like she did to Lana in the first episode! It definitely would have had more punch if they hadn’t reused that imagery already two weeks ago when Lana was returned to the asylum. Despite stabbing psycho Santa from Deadwood in the neck, he’s still alive and willing to forgive Sister Jude for her sins—but that doesn’t stop him from framing her for Frank’s death along with Sister Mary Eunice, Arden, and Monsignor Timothy Howard to a…stenographer?…that comes and takes everyone’s official statement about the Christmas incident.

The priest seems like a weird choice to vote against Jude, since he saw himself Santa try to kill Frank, but Arden still has him under his thumb, and Sister Eunice is wooing him with images of Popedom in Rome. Too bad for him, Santa Claus seems to have a change of heart after praying, and instead of becoming Tim Howard’s "miracle" of reformation, he drowns the Monsignor in a bath of holy water. See, who said that Santa doesn’t keep his naughty list updated? It makes us wonder if his forgiveness of Jude is sincere—will he help her take on the THE Devil and Arden now, too?

Sister Jude—well, she’s not really a sister anymore, so she’s just Jude Martin, crazy lady—is making her own alliances with Lana. At first the traumatized journalist is like "HELL NO," because obviously, Jude is the reason her girlfriend is dead and she’s been raped and tortured and impregnated by a serial killer and possibly also THE DEVIL. But Jude gains her trust by turning off that stupid French song that plays on a continual loop in the common room and breaking the record with her hands. So obviously, that grand gesture erases all the bad blood between them and Jude gains Lana’s trust. Which is how I plan to start refriending everyone I ever fucked over. "Don’t trust me? Well how about I delete this iPod track? Yeah, I thought that would do the trick."

Speaking of stupid reasons to trust people, Nazi Arden comes to Kit and tells him that he has also seen the aliens and he thinks he knows how to entice them to come back: All he needs to do is kill Kit for a short period of time. See, the aliens are using Kit as a test subject for their studies on human mating, and every time he sexes up a lady, they come to take her body—hence Alma and Grace. And if the aliens think they are in danger of losing their prime breeding bull, they will come and intervene and save Kit’s life.

"Trust me," Arden doesn’t say, "I’m a Nazi doctor. We know a couple of things about eugenics."

"Sounds good," says Kit, who really deserves to die for being that goddamn dumb.

But before he makes a deal with Mengele, he and Lana deal with Bloody Face in the closet: Still tied down in the storage room, Dr. Thredson holds the key to exonerating Kit, since only his confession will get the innocent boy out of the electric chair. (Though so far Briarcliff is doing a great job offering him sanctuary.) Lana comes up with a plan: She threatens to abort the psychotic psychiatrist’s baby unless he tells her about his murders. Thredson, who really, really wants a baby Bloody, sobbingly complies, and when Kit pops out from behind some mattresses with the world’s oldest and heaviest recording device, Thredson cannot believe he was hoodwinked in the same way as he got Kit to give a false confession.

As icing on the cake, Lana tells him she aborted the kid with a wire hanger (which she doesn’t know THE DEVIL has revived yet), and Thredson screams "You are a bigger monster than me! You murdered an innocent child!" Which, fair enough, is probably how most people in the 60s thought. Serial killing < Abortion in terms of evil crimes.

Lana promises to come back and kill Thredson after she gets a knife, which, no d’oi, she cannot obtain because she is a goddamn INMATE, so she makes her own version of a shiv using the same wire hanger she used the night before. It turns out wire hangers are extremely deadly, so I guess Joan Collins was kind of right to want them out of her house. But when Lana returns to find Thredson, he is no longer in the room (no d’oi), and Sister Mary Eunice is waiting for her, ready to deliver the good news about her baby boy. The upside was that Kit was able to hide the confession tape in time. The downside is that it won’t really matter, as Arden sticks a needle into a compliant Kit’s heart to make it stop beating. Suddenly, the lights begin to flicker…

And back in real time, a new patient comes by the compulsion therapist’s office, only to find that Buffalo Bill has gotten his revenge after all. She gasps and walks backward…right into a very Bloody Derbil McDillet!

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