The iPhone Case Conspiracy

Rejoice, young urbanites! You can now head on down to your local Apple store to wait in line for the new iPhone 5, which is like the iPhone 4S, I hear, only longer and thinner and with some shitty maps app. And the iPhone 4S was, of course, very similar to the iPhone 4, only it came with a computerized lady voice who will speak to you as if you are Zooey Deschanel. Basically, the iPhone upgrades are minimal, at least from what I have seen (I’m still on the iPhone 4), but they keep changing the damn thing and people keep getting excited about it. And I sense a conspiracy afoot.

It came to me this morning when I received some email blast from one of those damn Fab or Groupon or Gilt Man Getaway Bonus Round Pricelines email blasts. "New Cases For The iPhone 5!" it shouted at me with questionable capitalization. I realized that, yes, should I ever upgrade to the new iPhone, I’ll have to buy another case. How many cases have I bought? So many cases. Why do I keep buying these cases? First of all, it’s a phone that is made of glass. That wasn’t too bright, was it? 

I can only assume that the Phone Case Industry, those devils, are the ones lobbying Apple for new aesthetic changes such as reduced thickness and extra buttons and multiple cameras, if only so we can keep shelling out forty bucks a pop on cases to protect a $300 cell phone that should, you know, not break when you drop it, because $300 is a lot of money to spend on a phone that is MADE OF GLASS. Here’s a thought: let’s have a phone that won’t shatter when it falls out of our hands and onto the sidewalk. Yesterday I saw a man on the street claiming that Obama knew about 9/11 and he should be impeached; today, I think I might run down to Soho and shout at the fools waiting in line for their new phones so they will know that Case Logic doesn’t want to protect your phones because they want you to buy more cases! A conspiracy, I tell you! 

Follow Tyler Coates on Twitter.

Latest in Shopping

Shopping

How to Make Your Winter Style Iconic

Shopping

Shop the Hottest Designer Collaborations of All Time

Shopping

The Sexiest Leading Men Alive

Shopping

Shop the Vibrant and Iconic Lifestyles of Your Favorite ’80s Movie Starlets

Shopping

Shop the Wonderful Wacky World of Wes Anderson

Shopping

adidas Sport Performance

Shopping

Anthropologie

Shopping

Castor & Pollux