The Truth About Charlie Sheen

Nightclubs and bars are rarely given their due for what they do best. They bring truth to a society enthralled with lies. Licensed premises are places where we can get away from the news, the politicians, and the commercials that at best mislead us and more often lead us astray. Truth, according to so many great philosophers, can be found at the bottom of the wine bottle. While exploring the rumor that Charlie Sheen is taking over at Dior, I took time out to look into this truth-in-liquor thing.

The old Romans who conquered half the world had the saying “In vino veritas,” which my droid translator tells me means “In wine there is truth.” The old Chinese who conquered the other half said, “After wine blurts truthful speech.” The ancient Babylonians offered, “In came wine, out went a secret.” They were great gardeners. Charlie, who is under attack from everyone, is only trying to find out his truth. He is digging deep and exploring what makes him who he is. I read that he said, “I’m 45 with 5 kids,” and it was time to “explore some different realities,” when he was asked about his alleged alcohol and other substance-caused problems. He is also saying things like “I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA,” I don’t follow gossip much, so I’m wondering if he means Tiger, the golfers, blood? When asked if he intends to stay clean for the long term, Charlie reportedly said, “I don’t know. We’re not there yet, I’m just right here, right now. Yeah, I have no interest in it.”

I guess he has been paying attention to that other Tiger, whose career went kerplooey when he gave up the hookers and tried to go straight and narrow. Charlie is just standing up for himself, for his truth, his right to party. He reportedly offered, “You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s Life. Winning!” The same source also claims he said, “I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18 bro.”

Who are we peasants to judge Charlie? He has done alright, by his standards. He was getting 2 mil an episode — now going for 3 — porn star girlfriends, and celebrity wives. “62 movies and a ton of success. I mean c’mon bro. I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.” Why shouldn’t he be “tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” Who are we mere mortals to judge him? Here’s hoping his home rehab programs don’t ruin his career. A report said that he had freed himself from the “troll hole” of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know many members of what my friends call “the cult,” and I think many of them might agree with his label, but they go anyway. Without Charlie’s assets, talent, brains, good looks, vim and vigor, and that tried and true tiger blood, they need it to survive. Most have found too much truth at places like the ones I used to run. I don’t drink very often, as maybe the old Romans are right and I don’t want to face my realities or see the truths that define me. It takes tremendous courage for Charlie to show me the right way to handle things. A dear mutual friend has always told me that “Charles is alright,” and so I’m a believer. Why are we believing what we see on TV and the internet about him, anyway? Unless the reporters are plastered, how can we trust them? We should all be out in bars right now drinking and finding the truth in the bottoms of high ball glasses. I, of course, don’t really know if Mr. Sheen is actually drinking, but the thought that he is saying this shit sober scares the crap out of me.

I went on eBay to see how John Galliano was selling. eBay showed brisk bids on the wonder-boys stuff. I called Prince Street boutique Ina, a place where big label stuff is consigned, and talked to a sales associate who told me that “No one has asked about Dior.”

Against impossible odds, Mr. Galliano has succeeded in stealing some of Mr. Sheen’s thunder and press with impossible-to-misconstrue statements. Mr. Galliano doesn’t seem to like Jewish people and seems to wish that Adolf, yes that Adolf, had been more successful at limiting their involvement in his affairs. Alas, I think there might be a few Jews in the fashion business. Will Charlize Theron and all those other PC celebrities continue to feature his wears on the red carpet? There’s a few Jews in Hollywood, and I can’t see how this will play out well for him. I read on Wikipedia, a place of infinite wisdom and truth, that “The Roman historian Tacitus described how the Germanic peoples always drank wine while holding councils, as they believed nobody could lie effectively when drunk.” The British Mr. Galliano seems to be channeling eons of German philosophy.

When asked by a Nazi his “nationality” in the film Casablanca, Bogie answered “I’m a drunkard.” That’s the wonderful thing about bars: They unite people from all over the world, from all walks of life. A great club or bar can gather all types of people. The gays and the straights and people of all races and political leanings can hang with each other, as long as there are cocktails being served. The great joints are melting pots uniting so many in the honorable pursuit of the truth. I’ll be going to Jane Ballroom tonight seeking truth in sticky elixirs and the tunes offered by my man M.S.B. Truth be told, I forgot what that stands for.

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