The Bartender Conspiracies: NJ Bars Switching Out Booze For Rubbing Alcohol

Thank God, it’s real booze! Last week, bars – including a lucky 13 TGI Friday restaurant in the great state of New Jersey – were caught substituting real rubbing alcohol and caramel coloring for real brands of scotch. These busts must have similar agencies in other states clamoring to find out if their own licensed premises are playing games.

In my experience, this isn’t happening much around town. I do believe that some places are putting cheap vodka into empty expensive vodka bottles for their comps. Promoters may be getting the cheap swill in bottles that are more impressive. A "beggers (or promoters) can’t be choosers" attitude does pop up from time to time. This is, of course, a no-no.

As I go from joint to joint, I sometimes see a bartender taking the last drops from one bottle and pouring it into a less empty bottle of the same brand. This practice, called "marrying," is also a no-no, but most bar staffs don’t know that. Some think that bending down and staying out of sight makes it O.K.

I have seen a bartender pour a last gasp of one scotch into a more expensive scotch bottle. I asked him about it and he told me “nobody ever says anything.” I, as you guys know, only drink a couple or three times a year…whenever I have sex… but when I do, I drink Irish. I can always tell the difference between brands. Although all of them will get you there, a patron has a right to get what he or she orders. Especially when they are paying a premium price for what is supposedly a “premium” liquor. How do they get away with it? I guess this time they didn’t.

Luckily, nobody got hurt during the rubbing alcohol switch, which says a great deal about the stomachs and experiences of the patrons of the great state of New Jersey. Rubbing alcohol does the trick, but can also cause great harm to things like eyes.

How a scotch drinker could not tell the difference between this swill and the real stuff is strangeness… Is the faker an incredible mixologist? Are only really drunk patrons served this booze, alluding to a conspiracy that includes both management and bar staff? Why fake scotch when vodka seems easier and is sold at an exponentially greater rate? Was vodka also done but missed by authorities?

These questions are making me dizzy. I’m going to go get a drink. I’ll sip it for taste and hold it up to the light first.

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