Your Alternative Guide to the Oscars, With the Awards You Really Care About

Film’s biggest night will take place this Sunday, of course, and Oscar prediction lists are popping up everywhere. But what about the awards that won’t be announced at the main event? The ones you really care about?

And so it is that we’ve put together a celebration of moments in cinema this year sadly overlooked by the Academy – The Alternative Oscars 2016-2017.. Feel free to bust out your ball gown and grab yourself a date before reading.

Best Snot goes to… Viola Davis, Fences!

Let’s face it, if Viola doesn’t take home Best Supporting Actress this year we’re done watching the Oscars. But, let’s not forget about Fences’ other big supporting star: Viola’s iconic snot.

Best Eyeballs goes to…. Emma Stone, La La Land!

We’re big fans of Emma and all she did this year, and we sincerely think she’s deserving of a Best Actress golden statue. But that’s mostly because her eyes pierced our souls throughout Damien Chazelle’s film – they were so big, so controlled, and so breathtakingly bulbous.

Best Scene goes to… J.J. Totah, Other People!

Chris Kelly’s Other People flew somewhat under the radar this Oscar season, but it was a truly fantastic film, and J.J. Totah’s dance scene halfway through was the funniest, most powerful, inspired performance of the year in our opinion.

Best Style Onscreen goes to… Tilda Swinton, A Bigger Splash!

While we thought the film was self-indulgent and, frankly, boring, Tilda’s fashion in every scene was legendary, architectural, and, in true Swinton form, weirdly angular.

Best Hero goes to… Felicity Jones, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story!

Star Wars is really impressing us with its production of a super successful spinoff film – and that’s in large part thanks to the funny, complex, troubled, and valiant Felicity Jones.

Best Character goes to… Alex Hibbert/ Ashton Sanders/ Trevante Rhodes as Little/ Chiron/ Black, Moonlight!

Moonlight absolutely needs to win Best Picture this year, and that’s thanks to the incredibly thoughtful, complex, and daring writing of the film’s main character, portrayed over three time periods by three incredible actors.

Best Tween Heartthrobs in a Life or Death Situation goes to… Emma Roberts and Dave Franco, Nerve!

Don’t judge – Nerve was honestly kind of fun to watch. And both its leads were silly and sensational.

Best Cast goes to… Zootopia!

Zootopia was really good. No further questions at this time.

Best Appearance of Natalie Portman goes to… Natalie Portman, Jackie!

Natalie really wows us every time, and so here is her annual award.

Best Person Not in a Film This Year goes to… Rihanna!

She’s just so cool. And ANTI deserved way more Grammys love.

 

There you have it! The real winners this year. Tune in to the Oscars this Sunday at 7 PM EST for less prestigious categories.

 

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