Tom Cruise’s Fountain of Youth: Bird Poop Facials

It turns out Tom Cruise’s secret to looking eternally young doesn’t come in a jar… it comes out the back end of a songbird. Cruise has recently copped to getting pricey $200 treatments done as a natural alternative to cosmetic surgery. "Tom doesn’t go in for Botox or surgery but he does pay close attention to all the new and popular natural treatments,” reveals a source close to the actor. "He recently started experimenting with the nightingale poo facial. It was recommended by a Hollywood pal and the results have been fantastic."

After all, getting shat on by a bird is considered good luck, right? At least it’s a hell of a lot cheaper. These days, it isn’t uncommon to see spa offerings in salons that can practically double as a trip to the zoo. If that isn’t killing two pooping birds with one stone, we don’t know what is.

geisha facial

Bird Poop Facials
Commonly called the “Geisha Facial,” this skin treatment has been used by Japanese women and Victoria Beckham for hundreds of years (how else does she stay so vampyrically young?). The formulation contains one key ingredient: nightingale droppings. Rich in urea and guanine, the droppings help give the lucky lady/lad an iridescent glow that only bird poop could give. Mixed with rice bran, the droppings, which are sterilized with an ultraviolet light, creates a doughy-soft scrub that goes on as smooth as shit, literally. At $180 a poop, this shit doesn’t come cheep! 

Dead Skin-Eating "Doctor Fish"
Finally, a way to make your skin smoother AND feed your hungry pet fish! The Garra Rufa fish, commonly known in spa circles as the “doctor fish,” are native to Northern and Central Middle East (Turkey, Syria, Iran, Iraq) and just loooove feasting on your gross dead skin. The fish were originally used to treat patients with psoriasis and eczema and were effective as they only removed the affected layer of skin. But, they were then exploited and marketed as a miraculous, natural skin treatment for Upper East Side housewives sick of asking their philandering hubbies for foot massages. But wait… as it turns out, the fish don’t actually eat the skin off your ashy feet, but only resort to that after being deprived of food, forcing them to take up the skin-sloughing activities in search for grub. If that isn’t wild labor, I don’t know what is. 

African Snail Facials
Blame it on the French: slowly but surely, snails have slimed their way to the top of the beauty roster as the “it” facial treatment. Apparently, snail slime contains a naturally potent potion of glycolic acid and elastin and makes acne, scars, burns and spots es-car-go-away. The procedure involves letting African snails take a leisurely stroll all over the patient’s face, leaving a nice, slimy ooze that apparently heals skin and gives you a youthful, shiny-snail complexion. No wonder Sponge Bob never dries out; he let Gary crawl all over his face!


Slitering Snake Spa Sessions
Eve had it good: who knew that snakes would actually turn out to be master masseuses? At a spa in northern Israel, snakes slither across each patron’s back or belly, whatever the preference. The experience is described to be like “caressing fingers” and repeat customers claim the treatment helps to “ease migraines and sore muscles.” Just don’t give these snakes a tip: they’d prefer a fresh rat over cold hard cash any day. 

bull semen

Bull Semen Conditioner
The latest rage in hair treatment involves a cock-and-bull process of putting pure, fresh bull semen into your hair as a conditioning treatment. The 45-minute process is said to leave hair “looking wonderfully soft and thick,” according to Hari Salem, a salon owner who said the treatment has attracted plenty of customers. “Allthe best treatments are protein based. Synthetic treatments are good but they are heavy if you have fine hair and can make it look greasy. In the end, the bull’s sperm was the winner.” Sure it might work, but what are you going to tell your friends when they ask what conditioner you use? Our answer: “Oh, bullshit."

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