Good god. Jay-Z and Bono are teaming up to save Haiti. Or rather, on a track to save Haiti. Surely, we can’t disparage any charitable efforts being made on behalf of a country in need of all the disaster response and support it can get. But that said, can’t Jay-Z just record his own track? Will Bono ever not make an appearance on a charity tribute song? Answers, to both of those questions: no. As evidenced by the tragedy that struck Haiti, the world is a cruel and unfair place, and must do things to its inhabitants to demonstrate how cruel it can be. Like delivering a new Jay-Z track to the world…with Bono on it. We’ve tried to determine exactly what the collaborative effort will sound like using the magic of the YouTube Doubler. Or, in an ideal world, what it would sound like….

(‘’)Mysterious Izzo: Jay-Z details the trials and tribulations he’s gone through, guided by a shaman-like woman-friend to help him through hard times with her sexy dance moves.

Dirt Off Your Blinding Lights: Jay-Z explores the various hopes and dreams and places he can go by foregoing regrets.

Takeover, With or Without You: Jay-Z explains how his battles with Nas are more complicated than your simple take-no-prisoners war of words, and the strange necessity (and simultaneous lack thereof) for them to take place.

In other words: this will be awful.