The IRS Hotline Has Switched Over To Classical Music

At last, our long and nightmarish ordeal has come to an end. A certain bustling hive of good old American bureaucracy switched their hold music from nondescript, gooey piano muzak to something a bit more refined. Yes, you’ll notice some big changes around the IRS these days—if you’re still calling about the tax refund you were supposed to get nine months ago, that is.

The orchestral shift is stunning and unprecedented, especially for an organization that likes to talk about how bogged down it is in all the identity frauds this year. When did they get the time to plug new music into the phone system? I thought they were working round the clock on my case, to see it resolved as quickly as humanly possible! Oh well, I’m sure this Tchaikovsky is helping.

Wait a minute. Tchaikovsky? Is this—crap! This is The Nutcracker! Christmas music! You vile fiends! You damn maniacs, you blew it up! GODDAMN YOU ALL TO HELL. You’ll never get away with this, G-men. You hear me? You’ll have to kill me and bury me with a stereo before I’ll listen to holiday favorites. I’ll just have to get my $2,000 some other way. Like … crime.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

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