Spencer Pratt Threatens America with Hip-Hop Album

imageWhoever let Spencer Pratt near a recording studio needs to be tarred, feathered, and chased out of town into the wilds of Tijuana. Reasons for this harsh treatment include Spencer Pratt wearing bunny ears, Spencer Pratt inspecting Heidi Montag’s butt implants, and Spencer Pratt just being an all-around douchewibbler. We can also blame Asher Roth (I don’t) or Eminem (I do). But the aspect creepier than his flesh-colored beard remains: “I’ve always known that I secretly am the hottest rapper in the game. I’m the white Jay-Z in the game.” The game he was probably referring to was Don’t Wake Daddy. But before you start trying to gouge out your ears with a ballpoint pen, read on to learn more about this mess for ways in which you can avoid the worst thing to happen to hip-hop since rappers discovered large barges, over-sized gold chains, and video hos.

“I’m a Celebrity” is Spencer Pratt’s pièce de résistance that looks to set the tone for the rest of the album. Pratt is a natural-born wordsmith if his lyrics are anything to judge by. He raps, “Baby I get paid / I’ve been around the world, but I’m still not finished yet / First Tweet of the day, I put my swag on / I’m in the limelight and I love it like my wife.” If you’re a nit-picker like me, you’ll thoughtfully inquire, “When the frak did Twitter become to rap what YouTube became to that one Mariah Carey song?” And then you’ll wonder about if Janet Jackson used “swag” to talk about menstruation, what on The Hills is Pratt muttering on about? And then you’ll further speculate, “Wait … Spencer … Mariah … Janet … is he gay?” Sadly, I don’t know.

But I do know you can probably skip out on this hip-hop horror show by not clicking here. Additionally, you can also not listen to Pratt’s excursions into his 20-second minute of fame by not watching I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here this fall on NBC. Because this dreck is the theme tune. Shudder. Also, if this is an attempt to transform Speidi into the next RiBro, I won’t forgive Pratt for making me feel sympathy for Heidi Montag the same way I did for Rihanna so long ago.

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