I’ll never forget and have yet to fully recover from my first breakup. Sure, it’s been nearly two decades. And I was a (not-fully-realized gay) tween. But you’d be perma-traumatized too if your spirit animal/other half/soul sis/etc. called it quits. It was May of 1998 and I had once again snuck downstairs onto my father’s computer to get my daily dose of inappropriate chat rooms and jamming the printer from my Xena: Warrior Princess print-a-thons. I was computer banned after my family blamed me for the Gateway 2000’s slew of Trojan Horses. But my other half always taught me to make my own rules, to believe in Girl Power! Pro platforms and anti-panties! To pinch Prince Charles’ bum! During my tween years, hearing AOL’s “You’ve Got Mail!” (actually, I learned how to customize it to be my own .WAV file, which meant mine was the opening platform-stomping/giggle bit of the Spice Girls’ iconic smash, “Wannabe”,) usually provided euphoria, but on this dark day, I squealed as if my hamster died. The AOL inbox subject line read: “Ginger Spice calls it quits!”

Yeah, the bitch broke up with me via email.

I hid my Union Jack dress-clad Ginger Spice doll (still in its case!) behind Sean John hoodies in the corner of my closet. I discontinued my very own “e-newsletter” aka ‘The Spice Gazette’ complete with a typo-ridden (I WAS 12!) dramatic exit letter. And I went back to that grating “You’ve Got Mail!” sound default. In other words, this was my life:

But, as Scary Spice croons on the Spice Girls’ RIP Ginger tribute (“Goodbye”), “Look for the rainbow in every storm!” YAS BITCHES: ‘Twas a Spice World once again in 2007 with the gals’ worldwide reunion tour. All was right in the world. Especially the tour costumes designed by Roberto fucking Cavalli, apparently secured by the now fashion world heavyweight Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham.

But then, heartbreak #2 happened. It started at the 2012 Olympics with the Spice Girls “surprise” performance, which resulted in a viral GIF of Scary, Baby, Ginger, Sporty bouncing around like school girls at recess whilst a resting-bitch-face Posh Spice strutted to the side away from them. Friendship never ends, Vicky?

Then there was the premiere of the short-lived Spice Girls musical, Viva Forever, in which Vicky passed on a group photo with her bandmates on the red carpet and opted to arrive late with her hubby and kids for a non-smiling family portrait. Mrs. Beckham officially put a high heel in my heart in January when confirming she’d NEVER reunite with the Spice Girls again via her Vanity Fair Italy cover story. I’m not so sure about this “first cut is the deepest” shit. Once again, I am bloody gutted.

C’mon Vic: give us what we want, what we really, really want. (And not those expensive fucking dresses, dammit.) Posh might want to forget about the BEST YEARS OF HER EXISTENCE, but I’m here to remind her why she’ll always be a Spice Girl. My heart is very forgiving. Come back to us. Please.

Okay. Here’s the best #TBT you’ll ever witness: The Spice Girls circa ‘94/95 (??) pre-fame and performing at a showcase. Posh’s vocals (and that Adidas t-shirt) slay!!!

Posh hasn’t smiled since Spice World. I wonder why???

Here’s the ONLY time Victoria was on the cover of American Vogue. #FunFact

She’s not that innocent. (POSH SPICE SOLO CAREER!!!!)

Um. Do we remember Posh for Rocawear?!

Also, remembs when Posh was FUNNY?

I’d like to thank Victoria for teaching me how to talk/sing/seduce with my hands.