A List of Bands Who Should Break Up Instead of the White Stripes

So The White Stripes are dunzo. The’ve played their last appropriated blues riff. The dynamic duo have became two lonely unos. It sucks. But what sucks even more are all the bands out there who should call it quits, yet continue to persevere in the face of their own un-awesomeness. Below, a list of bands I’m really hoping will break up soon.

Guns ‘N’ Roses: The problem here is that they already broke up, but no one told Axl Rose. So I’m telling him now: Axl, you’re nothing without Slash. In fact, even with Slash, you still can’t sing anymore, and your cornrows make you look like a prehistoric douche. Retire!

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Didn’t this whole band die in a plane crash or something? How are they still touring? Also, their logo is the confederate flag. That is not appropriate. Even their namesake is dead by this point. Let’s never hear “Sweet Home Alabama” live again.

The Grateful Dead: Okay, so they’ve dropped the “Grateful” and just go by “The Dead.” Still, Jerry Garcia is no longer alive, and the other ones are old. I love the Grateful Dead’s music, but this isn’t it.

Creed: This band hasn’t run its course — they never had a course. Or maybe their course was: Be the worst band in America. In which case, they’ve won already. Time to give someone else a chance.

Nickelback: So the next generation can be saved from developing poor taste.

Wilco: Jeff Tweedy, what have you done for me lately? Yankee Hotel Foxtrot was arguable the album of the decade. The follow-up, A Ghost is Born, was quietly great. But now Tweedy is sober and a good father, and they are a dad band who play dad rock.

Phish: Phish are like the Brett Favre of jam bands. They retire, then return. Retire, then return. And they’re only getting older. Their fans are now all thirty year-old bankers in hemp necklaces. Lame.

Korn: Enough with the noise already.

Lil’ Wayne: Weezy is my favorite, and I would never want him to quit. But he does need to break up with certain parts of himself. Like the part that plays guitar.

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