Valentine’s Day weekend is upon us and with it comes a bevy of films fully capable of sucking the life out of even the most promising date. I’m not going to beat around the bush here, guys: this is a lesser of four evils situation. What’s your poison going to be? Valentine’s Day? The Wolfman? Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief? My Name Is Khan? It almost doesn’t matter. I mean, would you rather be eaten to death by fire ants or wolverines? But, you’re legally obligated to go on a date and see a movie, so you have to pick. To help you choose, I’ve put together a handy guide to what your Valentine’s Day weekend movie choice says about you.

Valentine’s Day

You hate your date. A combination of your crushing awareness of your own mortality and your friend Jenny’s insistence that “Mortimer is the best guy ever, seriously” caused you to buckle and accept the invitation to dinner and a movie. But, honestly, it is 2010 and no one should be named Mortimer. Plus, this guy keeps on talking about how he wants to be an actor so that he can help people in the 3rd world. You’re considering “accidentally” “tripping” into oncoming traffic, but you thought you’d pretend to like utterly banal movies instead. “Look Mortimer, Jennifer Garner is the best, just very interesting, and also Jessica Alba, she is smart and talented, yes, overall just a very interesting movie,” is what you are saying to him. Your plan will backfire.

The Wolfman

You are obsessed with Taylor Lautner, but your date would not go see Valentine’s Day with you. You decided to satisfy your finely honed werewolf attraction by seeing this movie. You’re not really sure what it’s about, but hopefully hunky teenagers take off their shirts and participate in thinly veiled abortion allegories.

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief

You are 15 years old. You spend your free time wishing that that girl in math class would sext you, because that is what everyone is doing and what is wrong with you that none of the girls ever sext you? It’s probably your face.

My Name Is Khan

You think that mental illness is an endearing/hilarious character trait. You love ham-handed catch phrases and excruciatingly nonsensical stories of oppression that are so illogical they are almost offensive, because oppression is a real thing, you know? It’s just as well you’re seeing this now, because you’re about to found the My Name Is Khan fanclub.