‘Rock of Ages’ Will Make Your Ears Bleed

Surely those who are fans of ’80s hairbands aren’t who you’d expect to be checking out a Broadway matinee on a Saturday afternoon. But that didn’t stop the creative team behind Rock of Ages, however, from creating a jukebox musical full of songs by Journey, Foreigner, REO Speedwagon, Bon Jovi, Poison, among others. The frontman of Twisted Sister, Dee Snider, even spent a few months performing in the show last year. It’s a bona fide hit, and has been running continuously since April 2009. So naturall,y that would make it perfect for a movie musical, right? 

Below is the first official trailer for the movie version of Rock of Ages, which appears to be your dad’s answer to your mom’s favorite movie, Mamma Mia! Of course, that presupposes that your father has terrible taste in movies and enjoys watered down versions of pretty terrible karaoke songs sung by A-list actors. 

It sort of looks like This Is Spinal Tap, but without the (intentional) laughs. There’s Alec Baldwin practically Skyping it in as a club promoter. Catherine Zeta-Jones, who’s got an Oscar and a Tony for her musical background, appears to be a Tammy Faye Bakker-type (only sexy and without the iconic eye make-up) leading a group of fundamentalist church ladies (and at least one nun) against the genre of toned-down pop metal before immediately performing a unironic "We’re Not Gonna Take It." And Mary J. Blige, what were you thinking? Did you miss the boat when Dreamgirls came around?  And then there’s Tom Cruise, who, if you remember anything about Top Gun (beyond the homoeroticism), cannot sing:

I say this as someone who loves Broadway musicals and "Sister Christian": this movie will be the worst. 

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