Rihanna To Star In A Movie Called ‘Battleship’

One day, when our space children are playing in the space garden and our space dogs are fetching us our space newspapers and dropping them at our space feet, when space Hollywood produces nothing but movies about trinkets and geriatric reality TV stars and bottle caps that the producers found in their belly buttons that morning, our space children will ask us, “Space mommy and space daddy, were you really surprised and disgusted all those many time units ago when grand vizier Rihanna decided to star in a movie about a board game, because that seems normal to us?” I will have to sigh and tell them, “yes, Unit 1793B59HUD, one day, long ago, before Bjork became Chancellor of the Space Treasury, Hollywood made movies about actual things and cast actual movie stars in these movies about actual things.” “But space daddy,” they will ask me, “what is actual?”

Thus is the nightmare future that will come about if we keep making movies based upon board games. When George Lucas pioneered the idea of selling merchandise based on his movies, he was a visionary genius. Now that we have entered the age of selling movies based on merchandise (starring people who are not actors), can we officially erase the check mark under visionary genius and pencil it in under “evil dystopian future that is now”? Thank you Rihanna. Thank you Hasbro. Thank you William Morris Endeavor. Thank you Universal Studios. I never before thought I’d get to the chance to see a black hole of cross promotion during my life time. I guess we all get lucky once.

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