Phantom Menace: Anticipating the ‘Harry Potter’ Prequel Trilogy

As much as Harry Potter fans are excited to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, that joy is inevitably alloyed with nostalgic melancholy. It all ends! Says that right on the movie poster. But you don’t have to worry. Lots of us felt the same way about Return of the Jedi, back in the day. But we were so lucky! And you could be too, when, in a decade or so, J.K. Rowling’s fevered brain will have fermented enough in a soup of infinite money and power that she figures a prequel series would be an excellent idea. It worked for Darth Vader, right? Right? Spoilers ahead, I guess. Nerds.

When he’s not dabbling in his Black Swan-style wand classes, Voldemort thespian Ralph Fiennes seems to think there’s a lot to love about the evil wizard. Well, maybe not love exactly, but some cores of not-evil (“loneliness”) in there somewhere. That’s beside the point here, because even if Voldemort is a total bastard from cradle to grave to second grave, there’s still plenty of other lovin’ going on in that backstory. You know the love I’m talking about, right? Oh yes you do. GAY WIZARD LOVE.

Rowling eventually admitted what fans had suspected, i.e. that wizard schoolmaster Dumbledore is gay as a piñata. He fell in love with his “partner” from younger days, a power bottom named Grindelwald who served as a sort of Voldemort junior until Dumbledore put him into wizard jail forever. Voldemort eventually killed Grindelwald for his secret meatball recipe or something. Did Voldemort know Grindelwald and Dumbledore used to be an item? Was this a magical hate crime? On-topic for our times.

The important thing is we have plenty of backstory for a movie or three about what was going on long before the Harry Potter stuff. I mean, the eight movies are already 55% flashback to begin with, so why not just go for the retro gusto. Prequel movie #1 is Dumbledore and Grindelwald’s tender exploration of the sexy arts, and throw in some prophecies and such about Voledmort (prophecies are excellent ways to literally broadcast where the plot is going to go); the two older wizards break up at the end, right before they’re really going to start boning constantly in front of everybody, like those guys did in that recent X-Men movie. Repression! Prequel #2 has those two guys fighting and working out their denial issues while some more prophecies happen. I guess Harry’s parents and Snape and all those other people can start appearing as kids now. Kid Voldemort appears.Then Movie #3 has the first war situation, climaxing with Voldemort doing that scar to baby Harry’s head which gets the rest of the movies started. I probably mixed up the chronology here, so feel free to note corrections in the comments of another website.

Anyway, the revisionist sequels might not happen like that at all, but rest assured, they will happen. Who will be the Jar-Jar Binks of this future/past Harry Potter? Tough call given there are already five or six Jar-Jar Binkses in the current movies, and only half of them are CGI. Regardless, enjoy the time between now and then, when we can all still enjoy the welcome delusion that this is all, finally, over at last.

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