‘2012’ Spoiler: The End of the World Is a Dumbass Parable

2012 is Roland Emmerich’s big destruction epic where after Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla, and Stargate, he basically threw up his hands, said “fuckit, bring on The Four Horsemen and kill ’em all.” Which he tried to do in his other movies, but they weren’t “Kill ‘Em All” enough, so he decided to make 2012, the selling point of which is the world is definitely going to end, there’s no question that it won’t, it’s just a matter of why and how and how we’re going to kill them and who we’re going to kill, and let’s do this shit. And after we do that shit, you know the world lives, because we’re gonna make a goddamned TV show about 2013. As a fan of the End of the World genre, and as someone who counts the epic genius of Independence Day as a Great American Movie, I can no longer stand by and allow Roland Emmerich to cash in on making shit movies anymore. From the tyranny of bad End of the World moviemaking, today is our Independence Day. Here’s your 2012 spoiler.

I learned the following secondhand not from a BlackBook employee, but from an agent’s assistant who works for Mr. Emmerich’s agency who passed me a draft of the screenplay, and I’ve been holding this in for way, way too long. Either way, I don’t give a shit if I’m blacklisted from screenings. This is awful moviemaking and lazy storytelling. Here’s hoping it gets better. This is why the world ends in 2012 and what happens after:

The earth’s core heats up and the earth starts to melt. The government knew this was happening and hi-ho, they built giant fucking boats to hold all the richest people in the world and Chinese laborers who worked on the boats don’t even get a seat, go figure, subtle “fuck Communism” imagery, etc. There’s lots of arguing about the principles behind this kind of thing which is of course crooked, and in the end, some rich people stay on, some don’t, the world gets flooded, and the boats sail off to Africa to settle anew. Great. Do you get it? The entire thing is a ridiculous take on Noah’s Ark.

Now, this certainly isn’t all, and if you’re a fan of Disaster Porn, everything gets completely trashed and wasted and fucked to holy high hell, especially LA. And if you hate LA then you’re going to LOVE this movie, because LA hasn’t been sufficiently wasted since Volcano, you know?

Anyway, the point is, if you made better movies with better endings and better dialog and better actors and didn’t feed the people of the world nothing but shit movies that we were forced to eat since we know you could do better with $300 million or whatever you shelled out on computer animation for this, you wouldn’t have some pissed-off blogger who could care less about getting banned from studio screenings because studios don’t put out good movies anymore, anyway. I’ll pay for my movies, and I’ll pay to encourage and support the making of films that at least try, but I’m not gonna walk a press line for you people, anymore. Not as a fan or as a professional. 2012 is stupid moviemaking. There.

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