Who Spent $104.3M on the Giacometti?

This week, a 1960 Alberto Giacometti statue — Walking Man I — sold at Sotheby’s for $104.3 million, a record price for a work of art sold at auction. The bidding was reportedly fast and furious, with 10 nauseatingly rich people jockeying for the statue. The winner, whose purchase broke the previous record set for Pablo Picasso’s 1906 Boy With a Pipe, bid by phone and chose to remain anonymous. He or she was, therefore, unavailable to comment on whether they donated money to relief efforts in Haiti. Who was this mystery benefactor of the arts/deluded, affluent narcissist? Let’s try and guess!

Person: Elvis Presley Why: The only way a person would be comfortable dropping enough money to feed American orphans for a year (probably?) on a statue is if they knew no one would ever have to know…because…they faked their death over 30 years ago! Hah! Elvis, we caught you.

Person: Snooki Why: Giacometti was well-known as an Italian and as a major player in the Surrealist Movement. Hmm…the purchaser of the piece must have been a nouveau riche Italian for whom the world seems perpetually surreal…Snooki, you’re making this too easy!

Person: John Edwards Why: The perpetrator of this mind-bogglingly indulgent spending spree must have been A) filled with a depression induced self-loathing, B) drunk off of cheap grain liquor, and C) outrageously pecunious. Hmmm, what wealthy pol recently lost his wife after a protracted political free fall triggered by his insane narcissism? Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

Person: Tom Cruise Why: Anyone who would spent more than $100 million on something that is literally immobile and useless, fulfilling no basic human need nor any pressing human desire, must be a straight up crazy person. I’m talking about someone so lunatical that they would be willing to get on TV in their mid 40s and do this. Awww damn, Tom Cruise, you thought you had us fooled. Busted!

Anyone have any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments section.

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