I’m not even that skinny, really—not as skinny as when I was in college and a woman turned me down for being tooskinny, I mean. Still, I’ve managed not to expand horizontally all that much in my twenties, such that 90% of the upper waist sizes for men’s pants baffle and amaze me. For any scrawnier individual seeking leg coverings, congrats: you’re stuck with manifestly uncomfortable skinny jeans.

I truly thought the skinny jean thing would have run its course by now. I’m entirely ready for the return to baggy, shapeless denim. Nevertheless, you can pore over entire sections of “relaxed-fit” jeans in Express and never once encounter a pair that’s 32 x 34. No problem, just ask a salesperson to grab some from the back, right? Except there aren’t any back there either! “Have you checked out our selection of jeans that suffocate your genitals and have to be peeled off like a second skin?” the salesperson helpfully offers.

Things were even worse at Uniqlo where upon entry one is greeted with a towering display of form-fitting “legging jeans.” For men! In every color! Sure, they may have great “stretch” and be “easy to move in,” but unfortunately I couldn’t leave the apartment wearing them, let alone ride a bike in them as I know for certain some dude in Greenpoint is doing right this moment. Actually, he’s probably on a unicycle, the freak. I guess I’m wearing shorts to Thanksgiving.