Possible Wedding Date Doesn’t Like Murder, Likes Photoshop

Weddings can be really hard, you guys! They’re hard when you’re the person planning them, but often can be just as trying is merely attending the affair. There’s the out-of-town arrangements, the booking of hotels and flights and rental cars because they decided to get married on a ranch in East Jesus Nowhere, Georgia, the nagging cognitive dissonance that comes with supporting the worst parts of the wedding-industrial complex and, of course, trying to coordinate with a date, if you’ve got that going on.  

The team at Gawker found this simple, but kind of trainwreck-amazing Craigslist ad of a twentysomething D.C. man looking for a date to a wedding. Things got bad (we do not speak of her name), so he’s crowd-sourcing a stranger with the help of a simple list and some bad but also amazing Photoshops of him on a horse on a lion. Also, he “doesn’t like murder.” So, you’re okay.  The ad reads as follows:

“Due to a last minute cancellation (we do not speak of her name) I’m resorting to the powers of Craigslist to help me find a date for a wedding this weekend in Lexington, VA (i had to google it as well). If you’re still reading here are the facts and why you should come:

  • you only yolo once
  • you get to wear a dress
  • open bar & food all night
  • you get to pop n lock it w me on the dance floor (see pic 2)
  • i can fly (see pic 3)
  • I tend to ride a lion on top of horse (see pic 4)

more fun facts about your potential date:

  • I have a degree
  • I have a job
  • I am a clean man
  • I have never been arrested
  • I don’t like murder

Looking for a well-rounded young lady that is educated, can dance, and is at least 21.

if interested you should please provide:

  • a selfie
  • brief resume
  • your favorite color”

He looks like he has some pretty solid dance moves, and there will be an open bar, so it doesn’t sound like the worst option, really. So if you feel like high-tailing it to Lexington, Virginia this weekend, you know who to call. You may even get to ride a lion on a horse.

[via Gawker]

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