People to Hate: Chris Brown, Carrie Prejean, Perpetual Procreators

Quelle horreur! Here we are, stepping out into the first day of September, yet still dealing with the cultural backwash from August (which is actually residual from the seven months preceding). Clearly it’s time to sneer our lips, scrunch our noses, and start pointing fingers. If you’ve got tar and feathers, or maybe a small family of bees and some honey, now’s the time to arm yourself. This year has given us too many high-profile personalities who have turned their dumb-assery into a marketable skill. But some have been more insidious than others. They’ve pushed our collective sympathy to the brink, while proving to be nothing more than cultural tumors lodged on our brain, forcing at least a square millimeter of gray matter to hold the simple syllables of their names. And so as fall sets in, it’s alright to vigilantly tear down these celebrity gossip news spammers.

Chris Brown: When all that rubbish went down earlier this year, we took sides (most of us to Rihanna’s corner), but were soon convinced our empathy was futile. Rihanna mostly sat on her hands instead of throwing her own punches (whether literal or figurative.) Meanwhile this horrible incident, which has apparently spanned different localities and was a regular fixture in their relationship, has played out entirely in front of us all, so what we’re left with aren’t two halves of a would-be power couple, but a hangdog and a growly pitbull who probably won’t ever change their ways. RiBro are isomorphic, so it’s time to let their Whitney-Bobby melodrama float away to oblivion.

● Spencer Pratt: This is everything wrong with Spencer Pratt.

● Jon & Kate Gosselin: I was hesitant at first to say this, but this pair has spawned eight children. In this age of rapidly-dwindling natural resources and currency, that makes Jon and Kate eco-terrorists. I understand that children are our future and all that business, but when there is not enough future to go around for the children. Also unnatural: a terrible, terrible television show glorifying irresponsible parenting and Ed Hardy endorsements.

Nadya Suleman: You can’t fault her for birthing octuplets. You can/should/are expected to fault her for how she, without wincing, cut out her own heart and offered it as a tribute to tabloid editors around the country in exchange for their continued scrutiny into the lives of her ill-fated children.

● The Duggars: Also eco-terrorists are this Arkansas couple who today were reported to have birthed their 19th child. But unlike The Gosselins or Suleman, this family isn’t horrible (not yet anyway). They’re just deplorably clueless.

Carrie Prejean: Carrie’s rage has only started apparently, what with the fallen beauty queen suing for religious intolerance (this in a country that, on paper, still sides with her on the gay marriage debate.) You tested our limits, Carrie, asking us to choose between you or Perez Hilton and then that business with the storm-gathering wingnuts. But I think we’re ready for you to leave our headlines. And if you won’t of your own free will, there’s always a bucket of pig’s blood with your name on it.

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