Michael Vick, Playgirl and PETA: a Match Made in Please God No

What if you could help animals just by exposing your privates? In a story that appears to be plucked from the pages of The Onion, the masturbating orangutans who run Playgirl have proposed to team up with Michael Vick and PETA to create a Captain Planet-esque dream team of DNW. In exchange for a nude photo shoot, the ’70s style skin mag has proposed to donate $1 million to PETA, which the other ’70s style skin mag animal rights organization would then in turn spend on more naked photo shoots. For the animals.

A Playgirl rep confirmed this terrible idea to Life & Style (via Ecorazzi):

“I sent the request to Michael Vick on Wednesday, but we haven’t heard back yet. I figured he paid back society for dog fighting, but what about the animals? This way he could donate a large sum to PETA and all he’d have to do is pose for the magazine! It’s kind of a win-win situation!”

He can’t pay back the exact animals he tortured, as they are dead, but similar animals could surely benefit from some Natalie Portman side-boob or naked girls in cages, no? PeTA is not exactly Vick’s biggest fan, but it’s possible one meelion dollars would change their tune. It’s also notable that PETA has become so synonymous with nudity that the only way anyone can think to contribute to its efforts is by dropping their drawers. This stiffens my suspicions that they are not an animal rights organization at all, but a spank bank for some psychotically wealthy activism fetishist. Everyone knows people who hate sex probably also hate food, but where are the ads for all those potential vegans? Suspiciously absent.

Though it seems unlikely Vick’s reps would go for “atonement by way of Crisco-coated cock worship”, they haven’t exactly said no yet, so all of you freaks who’d like to stroke it while fantasizing about hate-fucking an oily quarterback can keep hope alive for now. For the animals.

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