● Conan O’Brien called NBC’s attempt to move The Tonight Show “destruction” and refused their offer. In related news, the internet hates Jay Leno. [NYT/Twitter] ● Mark McGwire on steroids, Sarah Palin to Fox News and… surprise! Tiger Woods may have resurfaced at an upscale clinic for sex addiction. [People] ● New York governor David Paterson’s 15-year-old son was detained by police while shooting dice, reminding us how much we miss Dave Chappelle. [NYDN]

● Brad Ferro, the unhinged asshole who punched Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi in the face on Jersey Shore, will be fired from his job as a Queens gym teacher, because, like, that’s not cool, bro. [TMZ] ● Trashy and trending pop star Ke$ha told Mexican American talk show host George Lopez that only a year ago she “couldn’t buy a taco.” It’s unclear if she was being racially insensitive or just drunk and high. [Idolator] ● Magician David Copperfield was cleared in a rape case after a two-year investigation. He made the charges, uh, disappear. (Sorry.) [Radar]