L.A. Q & A: Jackie Beat Talks “Alcoholidays!”

It’s not Christmas unless you’ve subjected yourself to a profane Jackie Beat holiday extravaganza. We’ve been to at least six of these, and we always look forward to the opportunity to sing along to sick un-PC versions of songs you once thought were as innocent as apple pie while wearing our best holiday attire. One year, Ms. Beat serenaded us at Fez in New York City to the ditty known as “I Ran,” with the words changed to reflect the new title, “Bomb Iraq.” (Oh, yes, she did!) We expect this year’s show, “Alcoholidays,” will be even more outrageous. In honor of her show in L.A. — Friday through Sunday only at the Cavern Club Celebrity Theatre — we gave her the L.A. Q & A drilldown.

I have seen many of your Christmas shows over the years. How many have you done, and what have been the different themes? How did you come up with this year’s theme? The picture is special. I have done so many, I have lost count! Honestly, it’s difficult to keep coming up with new material, but just when I think it’s time to hang up the wig and retire, I am struck with a brilliant idea or two or three and I feel like a kid again! This year’s photo was not a holiday thin, obviously. I found this hideous, bejeweled, orange gay-glo t-shirt and pant set at a thrift store and just had to buy it. Then that inspired me to do an overly tanned terra cotta makeup job with turquoise eye shadow, salmon lips, and a fried blonde wig. The look was just too sick not to immortalize, so I called Austin Young and stopped by his place on my way to my gig to be snapped by his camera. When I needed a photo for my holiday shows this year, I just begged him to digitally plop a santa hat on me and voila!

What’s the sickest song revision you’ve ever come up with? I love my version of Elvis Presley’s “All Shook Up.” Mine is all about the damage that anal sex can cause, and it’s called “All Torn Up” — delightful, huh? But lately I have been getting actually screams from the audience when I do “Seven” — my parody of Bryan Adam’s “Heaven”. It’s all about dating a seven year old.

Are you a scrooge, or do you like the holidays? I love the holidays! I make a lot of money around this time of the year. I just hate the people.

You lived in New York for a while, which is where we met. How do you think L.A. audiences differ from New York crowds? Well, sadly, everyone texts during shows these days — or even worse, films it and throws it up on YouTube. I shouldn’t complain … I have probably gotten a lot of bookings from people seeing clips of me on the internet, but I just think it’s rude. Live in the fucking moment, asshole! I mean, it would be one thing if the show was boring or sucked, but if there’s ONE thing I know it’s that I put on a great show. Any audience that doesn’t see you every week seems to be the most appreciative, so right now I really love New York audiences. But that’s just because I only go there two or three times a year and they are starved for good drag entertainment, the poor dears!

Describe your perfect LA day — and night. In bed with my dogs, Baby and Lil Sister, watching a Golden Girls marathon while getting a head, neck, and shoulder massage.

Where is the best taco truck? This is so tacky, but I adore Del Taco. They have shredded beef right now, and it’s actually really good! And they have this new dessert that is essentially these mini, deep-friend burritos that are filled with cream cheese and caramel. Fuckin’ A! But for a good, sit-down Mexican meal I really like El Arco Iris (The Rainbow) in my neighborhood of Highland Park. It’s family-owned and the food is great!

What the best L.A secret you can share? (secret driving route, bar, club, restaurant?) St. Vincent de Paul thrift store in Lincoln Heights. This is shopping heaven. My pals Senor Amor and Miss Jonona are co-owners of an amazing place called Retropia that has amaze-balls vintage furniture and housewares and really reasonable prices. I also like Casa Victoria for stylish-but-affordable retro/vintage art and furnishings. My favorite little-known place to eat is El Conchonito on Sunset. It’s a very nondescript place in a strip mall, next to the hipster hangout Allegria. They have the best no-frills Cuban food in town! The roast pork is ri-donky-diculous!

What’s work of art — film, book, or short story — best represents Los Angeles? Surprisingly, Sunset Boulevard still stands up today. Watch the DVD extras, and you will learn that Hollywood really thought that movie told too many secret and was damaging to its glossy image. Best movie ever. More recently, I feel like the Lisa Kudrow series The Comeback so accurately hit the Hollywood nail on the head. It was, of course, cancelled after one season. As ridiculous as it seemed, it was much closer to the reality of this town than that horrible straight male fantasy, Entourage.

Which movie star most exemplifies Los Angeles? Jayne Mansfield: Big tits, blonde hair, muscle man husband, pink house with a heart-shaped pool. And she dies tragically. For that same reason, I would also have to say Sharon Tate. She was, and still is, the most beautiful woman to ever live as far as I am concerned.

What the most true cliche about Los Angeles? The great weather makes up for its many flaws.

Do you have a favorite quote about L.A.? “Los Angeles is 72 suburbs in search of a city.” — Dorothy Parker

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