Kevin Smith Takes Our Pop Quiz

His explosive new comedy, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, just barely slipped past the NC-17 death knell. And here, slacker icon and maverick director Kevin Smith proves why. Parents, consider yourselves strongly cautioned.

Worst job: I dug a grave. I was working at a landscaping company, and all the equipment was kept in a large garage next to a cemetery. One day my backhoe broke, so they gave me a shovel and said, “Start digging.”

Most shocking scene, not yours: There’s this weird horror movie from the late ’70s called Blood Sucking Freaks in which one of the main characters is examining another woman’s face and he says, “Her mouth would make an interesting urinal.” That was pretty shocking.

Most shocking scene, yours: The censors flagged the fake poo bit in Zack and Miri. But they let a good second — maybe two — of flat-out labia get by them. I mean, look, I get it. It’s not so much the fake poo itself, as the inference of where the fake poo comes from and why it jets out so quickly. But very seldom do you see labia in an R-rated movie.

On “the scene”: It’s not like we’re putting the Piss Christ on display to challenge audience perspectives. It’s just a poop joke, unfortunately. But it’s a good one.

This movie should be a porno: When I was a kid, I always wanted Marion and Indiana Jones to fuck in Raiders of the Lost Ark. There’s that whole scene when they’re on the boat and she’s wearing that white nightgown. I think they could have taken 10 minutes to show some insanely graphic penetration, you know, just to show us how in love they were.

Weirdest sex fetish you’ve come across: One woman was wearing an E.T. head and had this latex E.T. body on, and this dude was railing her. I thought that was kind of strange. There’s also a porn genre called Tomboys, which features athletic women with short hair. It must ring true for the guy who is like, “Well, I’m interested in watching guys fuck, but if I do that I’m gay.” So he watches Tomboy porn and he’s like, “This is close enough.”

Your worst film: Mallrats has always been my redheaded stepchild because it did so poorly at the box office, but now I think Jersey Girl has definitely taken its place. That’s the whipping child that everyone, including myself, makes fun of. I’m not embarrassed by the flick, exactly, but if I’m having an argument with somebody online, they can cap me at any moment with, “Oh, yeah? Well, you made Jersey Girl!”

Biggest compliment: My standing ovation at Cannes for Clerks II. That was pretty fucking awesome.

Most intimidating film icon: Martin Scorsese is pretty damn iconic. I met him once at a screening for Gangs of New York. As I was leaving, I heard, “Kevin!” I was like, Hey Scorsese, how are you? I’d never even met the guy. Then he was like, “So… what did you think?” I almost laughed in his face because I was like, Dude, why do you give a shit what I think? To this day, I’m sure I was being Punk’d.

On honesty: I don’t think I’m the only filmmaker who reads all of his reviews; I just think I’m the only one who admits to it. I know a lot of other filmmakers, and they all read that shit.

Worst on-set experience: Besides Bennifer? I once sharted in the middle of a take for Clerks II. The closest place I could take a shit was a golf cart ride or more away. So I had to kind of tighten the cheeks and pray to God.

On actually making a porno: I realized I couldn’t show either of them naked. If I showed Seth Rogen’s ass, then people would have started chuckling. And I couldn’t show her naked, because then everyone would kick in and be like, “At 84 minutes, for 20 frames, you can see Elizabeth Banks’s rack.” After I told them I was scrapping the nude part — before the relief took over — there was a moment of outrage from both of them. She said, “Why the fuck have I been working out and dieting this whole time?” And Rogen was like, “What the fuck did I shave my back for?”

Photo by Darren Michaels.
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