It’s Time for a Canadian Pope

No word on whether Pope Benedict XVI will keep his Twitter account going when he officially steps down at the end of this month, but all in all we seem to have heard the last from this weirdo. Let the reign of an entirely new weirdo begin! May I suggest a Canadian one?

Specifically, Cardinal Marc Ouellet of Quebec, considered by betting houses to be a number two pick for papal succession, behind Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana, who would be the first black pope and therefore probably known here in the states as Pope Obama. Let’s get real, though: the Vatican only recently acknowledged heliocentricity—it’ll be a while before they get to the existence of non-Caucasians.

We do, however, have the opportunity to shift the seat of Catholic power westward. As pope, Ouellet could teach the world “aboot” Christ’s love, organize the Holy See’s ragtag hockey team, make moose chili for church potluck dinners and give up poutine for Lent. It’s high time someone ran this religion like the extra-bigoted branch of the Boy Scouts it is, don’t you think?

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

Latest in Archive

Archive

Watch + Listen: SHAED’s New Single/Video ‘Once Upon a Time’ is Hauntingly Beautiful

Archive

A Monumental Woman: New Doc ‘Ursula von Rydingsvard: Into Her Own’ Tells the Story of One of Our Greatest Contemporary Sculptors

Archive

This Happened: Vanessa Paradis Arrives in Full Chanel to Deauville American Film Festival

Archive

Please Buy Restaurant Gift Certificates…NOW

Archive

Peter, Bjorn & John Will Do a 36-Hour Live Stream ‘Festival’ From INGRID Studio

Archive

Women’s History Month: DC’s Hamilton Hotel Unveils Timely ‘Suffrage Suite’

Archive

Kristen Stewart Gets Punky in New Jean Baptiste Mondino Shot Chanel Campaign

Archive

The Beginner’s Guide To Adding Art To Your Home