Florida Likes Cowboy Boots, Northeasterners Like to Say Epic and Other Facts Text Messages Teach Us

As anyone with two thumbs and a text message plan knows, drugs, booze and hormones can dull the decision making process. At a certain time of night, hitting the send button on an ill-advised text becomes as inevitable as Tiger Woods hitting on a stripper. In fact, if you browse Texts From Last Night, that essential compendium of, well, texts from last night, which reads like the Train Wreck Edition of Haiku Poetry (“you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds”), it’s apparent that sending ill-advised texts is something Americans, from all walks of life, all corners of the nation, and with a wide ranges of spelling abilities, do. But just because texting under the influence is as American as apple pie, doesn’t mean we all do it exactly the same way. (Some of us like our pie plain, others a la mode, others warm with cheddar). It’s like soft drinks: we all consume them (hello obesity crisis!), but depending on where we live, some of us call the syrupy stuff soda, others pop and still others coke. After analyzing the thousands (okay, hundreds) of texts from TFLN, it turns out that when it comes to cowboy boots, vanity plates, booty calls, MILF, WTF, “Free Bird,” herpes, Xanax, trust funds, you porn, truck nuts and the delicious combo of NyQuil and grenadine, it really does matter where you’re from.

(‘DiggThis’)People’s tastes and peccadilloes vary from city to city, state to state and region to region. Luckily, for our sociological purposes, TFLN has conveniently assigned area codes in place of texters’ names. This makes it a whole lot easier to analyze and ascertain what matters most in different places.

For example, of the 186 times “beer” was mentioned on TFLN, 66 came from a Midwestern area code. That’s 35 percent of the time. But if we divide the US into quadrants and assume folks in each region are the same, we’d only expect the Midwest to text beer 25 percent of the time. Of the 9 instances when “wingman” was mentioned, six were by a Southerner. Of the five instances (the smallest sample size) when box wine Franzia was mentioned, it was always by a North Easterner. Stay classy New England! So please, take some time and comb through the many insights we’ve gleaned from TFLN; if you’re talking about yoga and sex, or soothing drugs, you’re likely from the West; if you’re talking power farts, you’re Eastern born; if you’re still texting about Myspace and thongs, you’re probably Midwestern; if you’re obsessed with goldfish crackers, you hail from the South; if you’re typing about threesomes that turned into twosomes, you’re from anywhere.

A helpful index of the delightful analysis that awaits you: Natty Light or Franzia—How our texting habits differ by region. Illinois and The Walk of Shame—Specific states really love specific subjects. Only in South Carolina—Will you read the word “cockasaurus.” Terms used just once, by state. Threesomes and BJs—But of course, there are some things we all care about. What have you learned?— A quiz that asks you to match texts to their state of origin.

image

How our texting habits differ by region Divided up by the four major American quadrants, these are the percentages that words and phrases are used by region. Figure 25% would be an equal amount, and with anything over that, you’re starting to see a trend.

North East Midget……………………33% Epic……………………….48% OMFG……………………50% Bud Light………………..50% Threesome……………..50% “Party in the USA”……50% Vanity plates……………50% Dibs……………………….56% Recession……………….63% Morning wood………….67% Power farts……………..65% Prescription drugs……80% Debt ………………………100% Disco ball ……………….100% Franzia…………………..100% Lawn……………………..100%

Midwest Beer……………………….34% Beer pong……………….36% Lady Gaga………………36% Booty call………………..42% Thong……………………..43% Myspace………………….46% No homo………………….55% Barack Obama …………56% FML (fuck my life)……..57% Girl mustache…………..66% Chris Brown as an adjective…………75%

South Boobs/tits………………….32% MILF…………………………38% WTF …………………………40% Cougar……………………..42% Facebook ………………….42% STD………………………….45% Church……………………..47% Tyra Banks………………..50% Ball/nutsack……………….50% “Roomate” misspelled…50% Mullet………………………..50% Jailbait………………………65% Makeup sex……………….66% Hilarious……………………67% Goldfish crackers……….75% “Free Bird”…………………75% Genital warts……………..75% Natty Light…………………75% Tim Tebow…………………100% The beast ………………….100%

West I win…………………………38% DUI………………………….40% Weed……………………….40% Xanax………………………43% Pubes………………………50% High…………………………58% Titties……………………….60% Junk (male genitalia)….71% Yoga & sex……………….75% Trust fund…………………100%

image

Specific states really love specific subjects. When we broke regions down into states, we found some states dig a certain subject way more than the others. For example, when a scrabble was mentioned, 50 percent of the time a Coloradan was to blame.

Colorado & Scrabble – 50% (720): Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown (303): I’m at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself. (970): Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though… the fight not the board game.

South Carolina & YouPorn – 50% (803): Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit (843): ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now…

California & Corona – 50% (714): we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn’t fun needs to come party in rm 180. (925):I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand.. (805): Things overheard in WeHo: “Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won’t be hungry anymore” (310): first i yelled “you cant get it up?” and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona

Massachusetts & The Lawn – 100% (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (617): I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I’m wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila? (978): I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?

Oklahoma & Hair Salons- 100% (405): So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid (405): I have a client coming in and there’s a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback’s from the view. that’s Oklahoma for you

Florida & Cowboy Boots – 60% (863): I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car. (863): I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I’d say I’m a little past tipsy (407): So I’m playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, “you should’ve got the boots with the fur”

Michigan & Plan B Cocktail – 100 % (616): Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada (734): I’m at the store buying plan b and vodka (231): the cocktail of hope

Illinois & The Walk of Shame – too many to count (847): just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: ‘and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame’ (312): I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk (708): either she doesn’t know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame (630): dude…I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead. (847): So they call this “a walk of shame” but fuck that…this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name? (847): Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party (630): i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.

image

Words mentioned only once. If a word or phrase comes up only once, we think this says a lot about the place in which it originates. Here’s looking at you Nevada and “Breakdance in your throw up.”

Wookie tits – California Budweider tramp stamp – Wyoming Bicurious – Vermont Ya’ll – Texas Bitchin’, Magnum (the gun) – Alabama John Cusack, mariachi cover of “Free Bird” – Mississippi Truck nuts – Florida Nair your balls, puke and rally – Delaware Cockasaurus – South Carolina Fantasy football – West Virgina White trash – South Dakota Nyquil & grenadine – Wisconsin Klondike bar, coke dick – New York City Guidete, axe body spray, jagerbombs – Jersey Jort (jeans short) – Virgina Bacon Brothers concert – Colorado Buttface – Indiana Doggy style – Utah Fat ankles – Hawaii La Bamba – New Mexico Cactus – Arizona Breakdance in your throw up – Nevada

image

Universal concerns At the end of the day, we’re all American. Here are some interests we all share.

Threesomes that turn into twosomes (312): I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up. (612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex… Can I get a ride home? (432):Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.

Hipster Hatred (773): hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her. (718): did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are? (909): It’s hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity

Walk of shame less embarrassing in shameful clothing (402): The walk of shame isn’t so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey. (337): it’s not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots. (970): The walk of shame has never felt more glorious… I think it’s the somberero

BJs happen in unusual places (571): i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me. (402): giving a blow job on a jetski isn’t as easy as it sounds. (732): On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy (573): Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.

Paper not really for books (210): I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper. (617): I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster. (732): just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit

Take this quiz!

image

Latest in Archive

Archive

Watch + Listen: SHAED’s New Single/Video ‘Once Upon a Time’ is Hauntingly Beautiful

Archive

A Monumental Woman: New Doc ‘Ursula von Rydingsvard: Into Her Own’ Tells the Story of One of Our Greatest Contemporary Sculptors

Archive

This Happened: Vanessa Paradis Arrives in Full Chanel to Deauville American Film Festival

Archive

Please Buy Restaurant Gift Certificates…NOW

Archive

Peter, Bjorn & John Will Do a 36-Hour Live Stream ‘Festival’ From INGRID Studio

Archive

Women’s History Month: DC’s Hamilton Hotel Unveils Timely ‘Suffrage Suite’

Archive

Kristen Stewart Gets Punky in New Jean Baptiste Mondino Shot Chanel Campaign

Archive

The Beginner’s Guide To Adding Art To Your Home