11 Fresh Resolutions for the New Year

Sponsored by Joe Fresh

No one takes resolutions seriously anymore. That’s a problem I hope to remedy by adding the words “I resolve” to the beginning of all my resolutions for 2015.

1. I resolve to listen to more music I used to like back in the day. Yup, I’m talking about Blink-182.

2. I resolve to drink my vegetables. Carrots in particular. If you drink enough carrot juice, you’ll never need another tan.

3. I resolve to constantly garden or finally watch the Constant Gardner. Either way, it’s a Ralph Fiennes idea.

4. I resolve to read everything Michael Cunningham has ever written. Not just his published work. I’m talking about tracking down his trapper keepers from junior high. I wish I were lying. His shit sounds better than most writers’ champagne.

5. I resolve to call my mother more if she promises to stop screaming, “You’re not listening to me!” whenever I must text or email someone while I’m on the phone with her.

6. I resolve to never again tell my boyfriend that he “can’t listen to certain music because it’s miserabalizing.”

7. I resolve to never text someone who is in the same room as me. It’s never a good idea.

8. I resolve to crack fewer screens. Window screens. Phone screens. Sun screens (see carrot juicesolution). All screens.

9. I resolve to heed the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius who counsels us to “find rest from vain fancies” by performing every act in life “as though it were our last” by taking every selfie as if it were my last.

10. I resolve to read more symbolist poetry.

11. I resolve to spend more time in my home state of Vermont, and to do more Vermonty things while I’m there, like snowshoeing, fishing, skiing, riding my horse, taking in big gulps of fresh mountain air, and wondering how “people live in big cities.”

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Felicity’s clothing by Joe Fresh.

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