An Examination of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Unforgivable Low Standards

Call me superficial, but am I the only one here surprised by the overall shabbiness of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s mistress? Of course not. As TMZ’s numerous slideshows have made so painfully clear, Mildred Patricia Baena is not your typical temptress. That is to say, there’s nothing tempting about her. So why did Arnold Schwarzenegger risk his painstakingly-built career, family, and image for someone so unattractive? Let’s examine!

Everyone knows that a large part of the reason men crave power is its intoxicating effect on the opposite sex. We didn’t pull those all-nighters in college to make mom and dad proud. We did it because one day, we might accomplish something great. And by something great, I mean convince a hot piece of tail to ditch her friends and go home with us.

But in this case, Arnold’s power had the opposite effect. Instead of cruising Hyde for the blond amazons we know L.A. churns out, he had to settle for his housekeeper, who vaguely resembles a manatee. In effect, the former governor was cockblocked by the very power that’s supposed to make banging 10s look easy. And because he was trapped in a self-made, take-what-you-can-get prison, he found himself in a Catch 22: You’re horny if you don’t, and you’re pathetic if you do.

A similar curse inflicted Bill Clinton in the late nineties. Then the world’s Most Powerful Man, he had to settle for the chubby intern down the hall, because there was no way Savanna Samson was getting past the eternal gaze of the White House Press Corps — or the Secret Service for that matter. (One imagines, now that Clinton is relatively free and his wifey is sort of busy, that he’s finally enjoying the parade of luscious Hawaiian Tropics models he so deserves.)

Tiger Woods, on the other hand, refused to settle for whoever came in handy (The nanny? His personal chef?). He was highly aware that his fame-power combo could land him whoever he desired, which, in his case, were girls who were born and built to screw. So he took them all, no matter what the cost. We might scold Tiger for his amoral ways, but the man at least seized what he wanted, not what he could get. He refused to settle, because, fuck it, he’s Tiger Woods. And you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger. So next time you cheat on your wife, have the decency to save her the added embarrassment of discovering you did it with someone who’s not hot.

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