A Recap of Charlie Sheen’s Bender, Brought to You by Kacey Jordan

Kacey Jordan must know she doesn’t get to have the full 15 minutes, so it makes sense that she’s trying to make whatever minutes she does have (3, 4?) count. The very young adult film thespian, who you may remember from such classics as Squirtamania 1 and Gag Factor 30, is the latest footnote in the saga that is Charlie Sheen’s death spiral. A lot of times, girls like Kacey stay quiet. After all, they don’t want to scare off future clients who’ll pay premium dollars for silence (and blowjobs). But Kacey isn’t like most girls, because, you know, most girls haven’t seen Charlie Sheen smoke cocaine from a pipe and stuff.

TMZ’s cameras “found” Ms. Jordan somewhere in Los Angeles, and instead of doing the getting-into-a-car-quickly-and-driving-away routine, Kacey talked, and when we Kacey talks, we blog about it. The petite blonde, who you may also know from such canonical works as Every Last Drop 3 and Bohemian Butt Fest, told TMZ that Sheen was “just fucking wasted out of his mind” when she got there, and to catch up to the actor, she poured herself “an all-vodka drink.” Things go from great to incredible when Sheen’s drug dealer, a “professional, nice guy” with a weakness for Gucci, drops in to deliver Charlie’s medicine.

But while most sane people in Charlie’s position would look around the room, see cocaine and a hooker, and invariably combine the two (hookers come with asses for a reason), Charlie prefers a green pipe, which he hit repeatedly while watching porn. But why are you reading a recap of a night that you shall never know the greatness of, when you can be busy looking at the POV shot Kacey took on the scene, because why not?

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