1. It’s real romantic (see above)
You best believe that after a bubbly breakfast and scores of selfies, we were very much in the mood to watch A Walk In the Clouds on Amazon Prime.

2. It’s barrels of fun
Dare we say, Champagne-fully fun.

3. And barrels of pun.

“The Grapes of Roth” is punfully amusing because Wölffer’s master winemaker is this total boss named Roman Roth. And John Steinbeck had a house in Sag Harbor.

4. Winemaker Roman Roth Is The Man

As you can see, we got all starstruck and asked to take a picture with him like the creepy fans we are. Because, quite honestly, he makes that Dos Equis dude seem comparatively uninteresting. He’s the first person we’ve ever met whom we both believe should be the subject of a Wes Anderson movie.

He grew up in a family of winemakers near the Black Forest of Germany. Family Motto: “A day without a good glass of wine is a day without sunshine.” Sunshine.

And his own proverbial wisdom flows as freely as his wine — he’s constantly spouting all sorts of casually profound stuff like:

“Some wines you blend for power; some you blend for balance.”

“Anyone can make good wine in a great year, but to make a great wine in a bad year is the true measure of a master winemaker.”

“What grows together, grows together.”

And that’s when it hit us — after like two bottles — he’s not just talking about wine: he’s using wine and winemaking as a metaphor for life!  #DionysianWisdom

And, oh yeah, forgot to mention that “he can be heard singing in an enviable tenor voice amid the barrels in the winery cellar.” That’s from the Wölffer website. You can’t make that up, people. Does that Dos Equis dude even sing?

5. “The Grape Whisperer” Helps Grapes With People Problems

This is Richard Pisacano. People call him “The Grape Whisper.” Again, #NotAJoke. It’s in his actual bio.

After kickin’ it with Richie, we can confirm that he is the only person on earth who says the word “bud” more than Snoop Dogg. Here he is discussing “Vertical Shoot Positioning,” a growing technique that facilitates bud uniformity. Notwithstanding that undeniably fascinating topic, his audience is standing off to the side, ripping a selfie.

And this was interesting: every single Wölffer grape is planted and picked by hand. Machines are for Smuckers.

That’s right. It’s a wine library. So bring a study buddy who drinks or a drinking buddy who studies, ya dig?

It’s a top secret instrument– hence the blurry, sneak style snap. All we can say is that it’s a part ladle, part syphon, all glass contraption that enables the sucking of wine straight from the barrel. Transgressive, right?

The Wine Thief is how we scored some Wölffer Merlot from Deux Mille Treize, which means 2013 in French, and that’s the language we’ve chosen to state the vintage because, according to just about everybody, 2013 on Long Island was the best year for wine since 1945 in Burgundy! #WineMindBlown

Bro and sis Marc & Joey Wölffer run the show with Joey’s husband Max, and they’re all so cute that we just couldn’t stop snapping pictures of all their adorable related faces.

And they have a way of making you feel like you could totally be a distant cousin.

9. They Grow Their Own Veggies

Warning: Getting turned up, and then eating a freshy fresh turnip may cause you to think it’s extremely funny to loudly start singing of “Turnip for What?” And then get quite salty with anyone who doesn’t happen to know the Lil’ Jon song you’re referencing or, heavens forbid, appreciate your wit.

10. That Main House is Pure Class

Think “Under the Tuscan Sun.”

11. The Wine Stand is Legit

Think Surf Lodge Meets Sunset Beach (before they got all crowded and unchill).

12. A Placid Swan

Fact: Natalie Portman is from Long Island. And that’s relevant because “Black Swan.”

13. A Judgmental Horse

Wölffer Estates is home to Wölffer Stables. This guy is totally trying to “Horse Tag” #DontDrinkAndRide

15. Fun with Umlauts

As any Möttley Crüe fan will tell ü, nöthing’s müre fün than gratüitioüs ümlaüting. We take every ümlaütportünity.

Protip: You can make all sorts of fün accents by holding down on the relevant letter when typing on your phone (some folks call it a “long tap”).

16. A Very Nice Dog Named Rose
It’s definitely Rose, and not Rosé. We asked. Repeatedly.

Oh, and that’s Max Rohn, Wölffer GM, nonchalantly photobombing Rose.

17. Summer in a Bottle

Speaking of Rosé. This is Wölffer’s latest. And it tastes like #YOLO. Yup, it’s that good. It’s the embottlement of carpe diem.

And if you’re having trouble wrapping your head around liquid synesthesia, bear in mind the words of Wölffer’s ever-quotable wine boss, “One must never overthink a Rosé”.