10 Things Wendy Williams Taught Me
I wish I could say Wendy Williams was my spirit animal, but she’s too fucking fabulous to even go there. I am not worthy. She’s a pearl; I’m costume jewelry. Other Wendy-related wishes/my bucket list: to be blessed enough to be on The Wendy Williams Show panel as a sassy “pop culture expert,” which would involve us together serving several cups of truth tea, which would mostly translate to shading Gwyn Paltrow (Wendy is not a fan, because she “takes herself too seriously” aka Gwynnie is basically just so vomit-inducing kinds of awful) and Kris “THAT WOMAN!” Jenner. Another wish: to have a tour of Wendy’s walk-in wig closet. This scenario visits my dreams often, which probably has something to do with my late night ritual of cuddling my cat/laptop whilst hardcore amounts of LOL-ing occur due to Wendy’s ‘Hot Topics’, which, FYI, is so much better than porn, late night Soul Cycle/Tracy Anderson sessions (Wendy would NEVER fuck with those messes), and other de-stressers. I enjoy Wendy’s “come close” moments on ‘Hot Topics,’ which is when the camera literally comes closer/zooms in on her beautifulness as she whispers some hot piping truth tea about [insert pop culture mess here].
here. I’m living for the Tori Spelling drama as of late.) Someone give me a budget and I’d be so down to produce an infomercial advertising the ways in which Wendy can lift all clouds of depression. She’s loud, she’s proud (especially of her Jersey roots), and, I’ll say it again, she’s fucking fabulous — I also would like to interview her stylists who’ve got a serious penchant for colorful, form-fitting dresses (I was really into Wendy’s recent Easter Sunday look), and whom she constantly shouts out and features on her after show. Oprah might’ve given away small countries to her audience, but Wendy calls her audience her co-hosts! (She’s so genuinely nice and real and etc!!!!!) Sure, she isn’t the most PC — she’s gotten shit from like every damn “community” there is, but that’s just another reason why I am obsessed with her. I mean, she doesn’t call it the “tell it like it is” show for nothing. There’s also the iconic and quite addicting intro song which blasts as Wendy makes her grand entrance (before sashaying SO CUTELY in her heels to her seat and using her note cards as a napkin when she’s not feeling the excessive lipstick).
Another highlight is when the self-professed “girl’s girl” demands her celeb guests to give the audience some “shoe cam” (a camera which zooms in on often times especially sparkly shoes) — my favorite always being Whoopi Goldberg’s quirky kicks, specifically the light-up ones. Perhaps the best bit is her crazy ass audience who perpetually queen out for Queen Wendy. I dare you to try not to smile as her audience/“co-hosts” greet Wendy back with her signature “how you doin?!” at the show’s start complete with the double wrist flips. I’m not sure why I haven’t been up in that audience yet, living my dream out loud. Sigh. Until then, I’d like to thank Wendy Williams for making me very happy in addition for teaching me a slew of imperative life lessons. Which brings me to today’s Hot Topics! I mean, the Fan Out: What I’ve Learned from Wendy edition.
WENDY TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE BEAUTIFUL ON THE OUTSIDE
There was a time when I attended some fancy event where I would meet Kelly Rowland (she’s lovely) and be too afraid to approach Jennifer Lopez. On that immaculate evening, I also met Wendy fucking Williams. But this was long before ‘Hot Topics’ would change my existence, so, no, I did not faint. I interviewed her briefly about her beauty tips, in which she revealed THIS:
“Chapstick and Aquaphor. But you know, I don’t wear a lot of makeup in my own life anymore, because I get so done up for the show. So now I have an appreciation for sunglasses and Chapstick… and a wig, of course!”
WENDY TAUGHT ME TO EDUCATE MY PALATE
Wendy’s always discussing what she made her beloved hubby and son for dinner on the after show, often using magazine tear-outs of recipes — she’s just like us y’all. But what really fascinates me is her affinity for a can of sardines. In this fantastic clip, you’ll find Wendy in her (fabulously decorated) office as she squeezes out the sardine juice into a plastic cup, spills aforementioned juice on seat (*huff* “there’s nothing worse than sardine juice on your couch”), spices up the sardines with a bottle of Red Hot sauce (which, sorry, Sriracha, is my favorite condiment,) pepper and something else but my eyes hurt as I paused the video and tried to zoom in. Oh well. She graciously reveals to her audience that sardines are a “safe fish” with “like no mercury at all” and “loaded in omega three and fatty acids.” Wendy recommends not paying attention to their “cute little sardine faces” and then makes her best cute little sardine face.
WENDY TAUGHT ME HOW TO REMAIN CALM, COMPOSED AND CUNTY WHILST DESTROYING THAT THING CALLED “OMAROSA”
This will be the best ten minutes of your life. My personal highlight is part two at 4:00 in which a standing ovation for Wendy obviously ensues.
WENDY TAUGHT ME THAT EVEN BARBARA WALTERS SOMETIMES NEEDS TO TAKE SEVERAL SEATS
I’ve hated Barbara Walters ever since she tried to come for the princess of pop aka Britney. Well, really, Barbs sat down with Justin Timberlake in an interview in which he’d essentially destroy and defame Britney right after their breakup for some promo for his shitty album, and, DARE I SAY IT, NOW VERY DATED “CRY ME A RIVER” SONG/VIDEO. Anyway, Barbara scares me. But she does NOT scare Wendy as seen in this clip. Barbara’s consistent shade had me grinding my teeth in fury, and Wendy does NOT play that. You’re my hero, Wendy.
WENDY TAUGHT ME INNOVATIVE WAYS TO WIPE AWAY MY TEQUILA TEARS
WENDY TAUGHT ME TO ALWAYS REMEMBER TO SAY “ALLEGEDLY” WHEN GOSSIPING TO AVOID LAWSUITS
I counted four “allegedly”s in under a minute and a half.
WENDY TAUGHT ME A WHOLE NEW VOCABULARY/WAY OF LIFE
Getting “turnt up” is so last season. It’s all about “dipping it ‘n’ doing it.”
Before she reads ridiculous celeb quotes from her note cards: “I’ll read. And then I’ll READ.”
When she’s all like “I feel bad even reporting this news,” but…. “It’s my duty.”
When she educates us: “I’m gonna break it down for you.”
Also, “clapation” is my ultimate Wendy-ism.
WENDY CONFIRMS THAT IT’S OKAY TO LOL AT PEOPLE WHEN THEY TAKE A MAJOR TUMBLE
WENDY CONFIRMS THAT IT’S ALSO OKAY TO SPIT OUT YOUR COFFEE/FALL OUT OF YOUR SEAT DUE TO LOLING
A must watch on all accounts. “I’m gonna break it down.”
IN SUMMARY, IF SOMEONE DOESN’T GET ME ON THE WENDY WILLIAMS SHOW ASAP, SOMEONE’S GONNA DIE! (ALLEGEDLY.)