Strangers Want to Send You Money!

Yesterday I turned on the Internet. To my surprise, I got an email from Adrian and Gillian Bayford. They sent the email to me, yes, me! a random person on the Internet! It read simply as follows: 

My Wife And I Are Donating 850,000,00 To You, Reply NAME*……. ADDRESS*……MOBILE*………OCCUPATION*……..AGE*……. Country

My first thought: HOLY FUCK! HOW DID THE BAYFORD COUPLE FIND ME!? THEY WANT TO SEND ME 850,000!!!!!!

Though I didn’t know if 850,000 meant dollars, pounds, euros, or rublesm you can still image my excitement. To verify that the generous offer from Adrian and Gillian Bayford was 100% true, I did a little web research on this philanthropist couple. It turns out the married duo is from England and won £148million in the lottery. Here’s a picture of them spraying a garden hose (Above is a photo of them opening some champagne and wastefully spraying it everywhere.)

PICTURE 1

The reason the couple is spraying a garden hose is that they are Britain’s second biggest jackpot winners. The mega-wealthy Bayford couple must have more money than they can handle — that’s why they contacted me, to take some of it off their hands. I was about to send them all the information they needed to get the transaction rolling until I saw a Google link that made me frown:

Criminals Use Names of Lottery Winners Adrian and Gillian Bayford in Advance Fee Scams

Emails purporting to be from UK EuroMillions winners Adrian and Gillian Bayford claim that the recipient’s email address was selected as a winner of a cash grant of one million pounds

This is actually a scam email written by….(wait for it)….SCAMMERS!!! Other scam emails sent, claiming to be the couple read as follows:

We know this may come as a big surprise to you but It will interest you to know that your email address was selected alongside other 19 lucky email addresses out of thousands of internet users worldwide. Random selection was done by the legal advisers to this donation programme, declaring YOU as a lucky individual for a cash grant of 1 million pounds from us. This may sound like a joke or a hoax but please have no doubt as it is 100% real…Hence we expect you to reply back to us immediately through our contact email address below for more details on how to get receive your cash grant.

The email carries links to online news reports on the Bayford’s lottery winning story and requests a transaction sum of £110 from the recipient to receive the generous gift — but money shall never come.

Damn you, scammers! And damn you, Bayfords. How dare you crush my dreams of a large sum of money being sent to me without having to do any backbreaking work! Go spray your garden hose in the privacy of your new mansion. I just don’t want to hear about it!

Latest in Absurd

Absurd

E.T. “Shroud” Discovered in Scotland Tree!

Absurd

What Do Guns and Dildos Have in Common?

Absurd

Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow to Blame for Shooting Rampage?

Absurd

Miley Rides a Hot Dog, Bangerz Tour Ticket Sales Plummet

Absurd

Top 3 Kimye Wedding Crashers

Absurd

Why The Terrorists Hate Us: Doggy Fat Camps

Absurd

FBI Going Hippie-Dippie in Weed and Hiring Practices?

Absurd

All the Absurd Events in the U.S. This Week