Slamming Bodies For Jesus

Looking for a fun tourist destination? Why not visit the Christian Wrestling Federation. These wrestlers body slam for Jesus. It’s just like regular wrestling, with chokeholds, guys getting hit in the head with chairs, blood, etc. But there’s a Christian twist:

I know. I was there. Here’s a taste:

Enter 330 lbs. Mr. Evil clad in dark shades and a trench coat. He emerges to booing, jeers, and taunts from crowd. By his side is Mr. Evil’s manager, who holds a folding chair (surely for Christian wrestler hitting).

“Go home!” someone yells. Mr. Evil tells the Christian man to shut up.

Mr. Evil, possessed by Satan himself, threatens these good Christians with head slapping. He removes his trench coat, revealing his large belly, and warms up on the ropes.

Out comes Rob Adonis — the hero. He high-fives little kids, taking to the ring, mounting the top ropes to greet the cheering fans. The bell rings. With a drop kick and a flip, Mr. Evil lands his fat ass on top of Adonis. The place goes crazy.  Let’s just say, in this match, Rob Adonis gets crucified. It’s the Last Supper for Rob Adonis as Mr. Evil comes off the ropes, grabbing him by the knees and bam, slapping his large body loudly onto his back. Un-Jesus-like, Mr. Evil then strangles him with a towel. Like receiving a fatal kiss from Judas, Rob Adonis falls victim to the best finishing move in wrestling, bar none — The Guillotine. Like water being turned into stale urine, adding insult to injury, the champ is handcuffed to the ropes, then stomped, choked and kicked by Mr. Evil’s manager. The chubby kid screams bloody murder.

Mr. Evil puts his arms in the air to a sea of boos, retaining the UCW heavyweight belt. Large Rob Adonis is left handcuffed in the ring.

“Hold on we got a little more,” Dr. Shock announces, as a few tired fans head toward the exit.

Rob Adonis is un-handcuffs from the ropes. He slowly puts his shirt on, takes a swig of water, then he paces the wrestling ring. Suddenly it gets weirdly serious.

“As I’m looking at this chain wrapped around my wrist, handcuffed, as I was handcuffed to this, I’m reminded of a message I want to share with you,” he tells the crowd while sweating profusely.  ”I want to tell you, the only purpose we have here is to serve God!”

There’re more cheers than when Dixie Dynamite was being dropped-kicked by Mr. Bugaloo. Someone yells, “Amen, bro!”

”This represents chains of bondage within a person’s soul,” he explains about the handcuff still locked to his wrist. “The position of bondage within your soul, within your heart and life.”

This is tying together neatly here.

“Are you living a life right now that’s got you shackled in chains?” he asks, ring-center. “There’s only one addiction out there and that’s the addiction to Christ!”

Clearly moved, the wrestling crowd is once again on their feet. They’re hooting, applauding, some with fists in the air. This time, it’s not because of a well-executed double-elbow-drop, it’s because of Jesus.

Latest in Absurd


E.T. “Shroud” Discovered in Scotland Tree!


What Do Guns and Dildos Have in Common?


Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow to Blame for Shooting Rampage?


Miley Rides a Hot Dog, Bangerz Tour Ticket Sales Plummet


Top 3 Kimye Wedding Crashers


Why The Terrorists Hate Us: Doggy Fat Camps


FBI Going Hippie-Dippie in Weed and Hiring Practices?


All the Absurd Events in the U.S. This Week