FBI Going Hippie-Dippie in Weed and Hiring Practices?

The Federal Bureau of Investigation is as straight-laced as it gets. But the agency’s announcement on new hiring practices makes you think that the FBI attended last year’s Burning Man festival.


FBI Director James B. Comey said Monday that if the FBI hopes to continue to keep pace with cyber criminals, the organization may have to loosen up its no-tolerance policy for hiring those who like to smoke marijuana.

The FBI notoriously has a policy of not accepting job applicants who have smoked pot in the last three years, but it appears the federal agency may be relaxing that rule. It’s a new age of criminal, and the FBI has to keep up with the pace of global baddies. On Monday, the Justice Department charged five Chinese military officials with hacking, and brought charges against the creators of Blackshades, malicious software that allows users to surreptitiously peep into the computers and web cameras of others–Miss Teen USA, you have our solidarity! –thus the need for a new, elite breed of FBI agent; millennial programmers who also like to get baked on the bammie.

Says James B. Comey, “I have to hire a great work force to compete with those cyber criminals and some of those kids want to smoke weed on the way to the interview.”

Wow! Does FBI now stand for Firing Blunts Incessantly?

Before you jump to the conclusion that all this sounds like the makings of a crazy sitcom created by the producers of The IT Crowd, late this afternoon Comey clarified his comments made at the FBI oversight hearing. Apparently, he was attempting to use a rhetorical device called “humor” regarding the subject of new hires.

“I am determined not to lose my sense of humor, but unfortunately there I was trying to be both serious and funny,” Comey said. “I am absolutely dead-set against using marijuana. I don’t want young people to use marijuana. It’s against the law.” Adding, like the guy who just peed in the punchbowl, “We have a three-year ban on marijuana. I did not say that I am going to change that ban.”

Bah. Foiled. And the stoners would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling teenagers!

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