Here’s the hard truth: some of you are just wretched at writing emails. I don’t care if you can’t be bothered to capitalize, but can we at least get the right number of periods, and in the right places? And maybe some cleaner paragraph breaks? Oh, and just so you know, here are the assumptions people make about you based on your go-to sign-offs.
“All best” — All your best? No one’s that generous. Try spreading your best around a little more.
“Cheers” — You’ve spent at least a couple weeks in Britain, or at college.
“[just your name]” — Thanks, by the time I get down toward the end of the email I’ve usually forgotten who it’s from. This is a real time-saver!
“xoxoxoxo” — CUT IT OUT, MOM.
“Love” — We haven’t seen each other in several years.
“[generic iPhone auto-signature]” — I see you don’t know how to turn that off.
“[supposedly clever customized iPhone auto-signature]” — I see you think it’s 2008.
“Thanks” — You know I didn’t do anything, right? It looks kind of like you’re thanking yourself for writing an email? OK then.
“Word” — You are me in eighth grade.
“Ciao” — You are drunk.
“Talk to you soon” — We will avoid each other at an upcoming party.
“Take care” — I’m dying, aren’t I.