Born Rivals No. 2: Kat George

Miles Klee is a little-known novelist. Recently, he decided his best career move would be to start a feud with another writer. This is his ongoing attempt to find (and destroy) the perfect rival.

Today’s combatant—who has written for Thought Catalog,  xoJane, and Jezebel—bullied her way into the ring by needling Klee on Twitter about the first installment of this series. Given how quickly she got under his skin, he had no choice but to challenge Kat George to a formal duel, for which she was in a very foul mood indeed. 
 
KLEE
Kat George, you strike me as a promising foe not least because of your supercilious accent, which would seem to originate somewhere in the Commonwealth of Nations. Just where are you from, and why should anybody care? Also, how many people have you glassed in pub brawls? 
 
GEORGE
I’m from Australia, and I’ve glassed everyone in pub brawls. Which I guess is why you should care. I am actually wielding a broken bottle right now.
 
KLEE
Your hereditary criminality aside, it’s pretty galling that you would dare to wash up on our shores and fancy yourself the equal of our homegrown Brooklyn sex columnists. Don’t you have a lot more twentysomething memoirists to vanquish before you attempt to take on a somewhat-acclaimed novelist such as myself?
 
GEORGE
Well, unlike you I’m not looking to assert some kind of intellectual superiority through literary infighting. I’m really only as good as my peers, so the better everyone else does, the better we all get to be in the end. The only thing I’ll be vanquishing is STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
 
KLEE
If you wanted to sound like a demented vigilante who goes around kicking women in the uterus, well done. Still, that’s pretty mellow talk for the person who complained about the lack of bloodletting in the previous interview—and my editor said this one had to be "meatier." How meaty are you, Kat, and how meaty can you get? Or is meatiness not your métier.
 
GEORGE
It’s not my fault this country has a problem with abortion. I’m actually helping women with my Street Fighter style of fetus killing. As for meat, I do enjoy a good sausage sizzle on the odd occasion, but I suppose I don’t really know enough personal dirt on you to strike with some real venom. Maybe that’s because you’re not really on my radar. Or any radar, really.
 
KLEE
I’ll make a note of your poor research skills—a must-have quality for any detestable writer. Of course, how much work is really involved when your main topic is personal anatomy? Your major offering to date, released this summer, is Pink Bits, a skimpy ebook of essays and stories about what it’s like to have a vagina. Where did you come up with such an original idea? And would you say it was narcissism—or just plain cynicism—that made you think people would pay $2.99 to read about your genitals?
 
GEORGE
I think this has more to do with you thinking you’re worth researching as opposed to my research skills. I went to law school (yeah, I threw that in there) so my research skills are excellent (where research is warranted). But it also seems as though YOU have not done research either. My main topic is not personal anatomy. I write a lot of personal essays, yes, but across a wide range of topics as well as cultural stuff (I don’t want to say criticism at the risk of sounding like, I dunno, you), genitalia being, obviously, the most popular, and yet the topic I visit least. Which goes to your final two questions–my vagina is what the people want.
 
KLEE
For now. Do you worry what will happen to your career once you’re no longer quite so fuckable? Given the crippling debt you ran up learning how to be the lawyer you’re not, I mean.
 
GEORGE
Well where I come from the government subsidises our education so…And as for my future, did you not read my response to your last stupid questions or were you too busy daydreaming about my vagina? I write about a lot of things. I am working on a book that’s not about pussy and I have a web series. Which I believe is something you don’t have.
 
KLEE
Oh, you must mean The Big Gulp, which as I understand it centers on Bushwick hipsters boning. Finally, young white people will have the top-tier entertainment about outer-borough blowjobs that is so sorely missing in our cultural landscape. Did you feel even a single stab of remorse for taking people’s hard-earned money to make this navel-gazing project a reality?
 
GEORGE
Well, I don’t really know how to rebut this at all because it seems like you don’t even know what the show is about? So I’ll take this opportunity to plug it instead—The Big Gulp is a comedy starring some really amazing NY comedic talents, and yes, while it does centre around a girl and her friends and the act of swallowing (hint: not water), it’s not intended to be navel-gazing at all. And you’ll be pleased to know there’s only one hipster character in the whole show!
 
KLEE
Kat George, it’s been a great displeasure spending my lunch hour bickering with you. All I can say in closing is that if you ever want a Green Card, you need to start using the goddamn American spellings. Any parting words?
 
GEORGE
Go fuck yourself. Oh wait that was really mean.

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